“I feel like a delusional, invisible person half the time.” -Lena Dunham, ‘Girls’

Stolen from the poster for ‘Tiny Furniture’ and tweaked

I think I’ve finally figured out that this week (the 2nd in my row of birth control pills; 2nd week in cycle?) is my PMS time.  I figured this out because I’m eating more than usual, more sad than usual, and this post was written a month ago today.

I’m kind of a crazy person.  And I’ve been watching stupid movies and shows that make me feel crazier and normal-er, and then, I feel crazy again.  I feel like I’m such a weirdo, no wonder people don’t like me.  Then, I feel like I’m just as weird as anyone else, so why wouldn’t people like me?!  Then, I see the most beautiful, normal girl riding her bicycle, and I realize, “Shit.  If she roams these streets, I’m doomed to be alone forever.”  Then, I think about becoming a lesbian.  Then, I realize I’m just premenstrual.

*Sidebar: As we were leaving a party, a guy actually hugged both of the girls I was with and said, “I love hugging beautiful women!” Then, shook my hand and said, “Goodbye.”)

I haven’t really written to you in almost 2 weeks.  Yes, posts have been started and stopped.  I wanted to write about the first Jazz in the Park, about my cousin getting the shit beat out of him, about hiking, about boot camping, about trivia, about my Ray Bradbury passing, about free drinking at a weird bar in Denver, about gay pride (a 2-hour parade, a 2-hour parade)…………………. But, alas, I did not.  Feel free to just ask me a question about any of  the above topics.

I will tell you that today was my last day of summer school, and I’m really sad about it.  I’ve been on a roll, getting up before 8 every day for the last 19 days (weekends even).  I am the complete opposite of a morning person, and maybe because it’s been 81 degrees by 7 am, and maybe because I’m desperate for a sense of purpose, I have been waking before my alarm.  It’s happened multiple times in the past month, even after nights of drinking.  The most upsetting part about today was that I had to move out of school.  This school I’ve been in for almost a year is no longer my school.  That sucks.  I still hold on to the hope that one of the idiots in my department will leave (since they can’t shut up about wanting to leave), and I will have a place there.

I will tell you that I got summoned for jury duty.  This is something I’ve wanted ever since I can remember!  Oddly enough, a lot of people I know have been summoned lately.  And I’ve been jealous of them.  It’s a perfect opportunity for a smart person who does not have a full-time job. Yes, I think I’m smart.  No, I do not have a full-time job.  PERFECT!  I hope they pick me.  I will not pull a Liz Lemon  

I will tell you that my car is currently in the shop.  Yes, again!  It’s overheating.  There’s a new light flashing on the dash.  The AC has quit.  It continues to be the bane of my existence.  Fuck it.  We’re not gonna talk about it or think about it until I actually know what the problem is and how much it’s gonna cost.  Just, please, say a lil’ prayer/send out the positivity/total my car for me so it just goes away.

I will tell you that I got a part-time job for an author/doctor, and while I really am excited about this, my car-drama (not karma) is making me apprehensive.  See, part of the time, the job will be outside of Denver (i.e. car = necessary).  Other than ALL of that bullshit, the job will be good.  Part of the time, I will be able to work from home.  The author/doctor writes about daughters of narcissistic mothers.  Uh, hello?  I will be her personal assistant and in charge of social media.  She blogs and hosts on-line forums, and I already know she “gets me.”  She could be a very important person for me to know for soooooooo many reasons…  That’s all I’m gonna say about that for now, other than, I start on Thursday.

I will tell you that due to new job, I have had to forgo 3 boot camp sessions.  This pisses me off, but only because I’m a whiny baby.

I will tell you that my 30th birthday extravaganza is GO!  My gusband really came through!  BUT how will I really be able to afford my portion by Labor Day?!?  More on that soon… I’ll just give you a two-word hint……………   SOUTHERN DECADENCE

It will happen.

Whit

“I use myself as material because that’s what I’ve got.” -Fiona Apple

K. I think we’re ready to talk about the past week………………
(this post has taken me 3 days to write, due to wonky computer, and because I’ve just kind of been stream-of-consciousness writing)

*
My flight to OKC was fucking scary. Well, what led to it and what actually occurred were all fucking scary.

You know how they say you’re more likely to die on your drive to the airport than in the plane? Yeah, totes coulda happened… My friend was not even close to being ready to go when I got to her house. In fact, she had just poured herself a glass of wine. It had been raining for the last 2 hours, and it was beginning to become a full-out thunderstorm.

Finally, in the car, she decides to make a call regarding an upcoming trip of her own, but she wasn’t sure about the dates; so she’s fucking talking AND looking through her calendar ON HER PHONE while driving in Denver traffic in the rain. Awesome.

By now, I’m a bundle of nervy nerves AND she won’t let me smoke a cig in the car. So I get in the airport, wade through security, stand in lines, wait entirely too long for “fast” food, and finally find the bar/smoking lounge. Well, it took a whole American Spirit before I ever got my $6 Coors, meaning I had to chug the beer and bolt to the plane.

I wasn’t the very last to board, but everyone was seated and buckled when I got on.

Advantage: entire row to myself!

Thought things were looking up, and then I saw lightning and heard thunder.

The plane-people said it would be very bumpy as we entered OK’s wind that literally sweeps down PLANES. And I just prayed for the drink-cart to hurry.

Nope. No drinky for nobody. Too turbulant.

Motherfucker.

I needed it the most and couldn’t have it.

But… I lived. I landed. I demanded a first stop at the Hilo when my gusband picked me up!

*
The next day, the gusband and I bought groceries and ate lunch at Mutt’s (an awesome, local hotdog joint). Then, I had to get ready for the graduation of my last group of students in OK. The gusband’s new place is really wonderful, he’s living with a friend of ours from high school.  She owns the house and has put a lot of work into it.  I felt like I really was having a vacation in a nice place!  The gusband, however, is totally fine with being sweaty and hot.  Frank (the roommate/owner) and I are not!

I hadn’t seen Frank yet, due to her totally opposite schedule of the gusband’s, so I didn’t know that the AC was okay.  The gusband kept it off, and I sweat through my dress as I was trying to get ready for the graduation.

Some former colleagues picked me up, and we went to a local Mexican restaurant for dinner.  It was just a short walk away from the grad spot.  Very nice.

The graduation was teary.  I taught every single one of those graduating seniors for 2 years.  At this point, I hadn’t seen any of them in 2 years; and it was amazing how much they had changed yet stayed the same.

Some had babies.  Some had arrests.  But some were Gates millenium Scholars, and one got a full-ride to Rice.

It was so nice to talk with them and former colleagues and know that I made some sort of impact on a few.

When I was dropped off back at the vacation home, Frank was nowhere in sight but the AC was blasting (thank Jah).

*
I hollered at some former students (way former, 23-years-old-former), and we made plans to meet up for drinks.  The gusband joined us, and we really had a good time.  I love seeing where my kiddos are headed.  I don’t think I’ll ever have the kind of adult-friendship I have with my first group of students (simply because that’s the last time I’ll be that close in age to them).

*
The next day, I really did nothing.  The gusband and I made and ate food, he got ready for work, I showered, and I sat on the porch for the next 7 hours.  One of my fav former students stopped by for a bit in the early evening, and then the friend I’ve known the longest stopped by for a nightcap.

*
Saturday was reserved for time with the MOMster in the early afternoon and Paseo Fest!!!  The ma and I had a good lunch and got in some unnecessary shopping.  When I got back to the house, dranks were flowin’ and people were Fest-ing.

I got some goodies from myGirl’s booth, drank too much, saw some friends, and just relaxed.  So nice…

*
Although the gusband and I bought healthy food, I hadn’t been so healthy in the week leading up to the trip, and we made the cookie-brownie things, and I ate maybe half of them.  Therefore, I totally gained 10 pounds in about a week.

Sinfully delicious brownie-cookiemonsters (or crownies).
http://chocolateandcarrots.com/2011/03/crownie-cookie-brownie

The flight home wasn’t as scary, but I was sad to leave.  When I got home, I kinda moped around.  I did buy groceries, and I totally stocked up on healthful ingredients.  I don’t know what it is, but I tend to really lose focus one week a month.  My metabolism is slowing and the birth control pills are really working, so I totally need to cool it on my 1-week-long binges.  It’s just so hard to prevent in OK.

*
I started summer school on Tuesday, and it’s a lot of work (3 hours of class a day for 15 days).  But I’m only teaching 2 students, so at least it won’t be a ton of grading.  But I keep waking up to my alarm and thinking, “Where the hell do I have to be?!”

*
I haven’t been working out as much, because I’ve been lazy and because I’ve been doing other things, but I have been doing sit-ups and push-ups because I can watch computerTV at the same time and no one can see me do them.

I prepped all my veggies and fish and good things for easy dinners and lunches.  The most difficult part was cleaning the tons o’ greens AND waiting for them to dry before storing back in the fridge.  Seriously, took fo-evuh!
But I’ve made the most fabulous dinners this week to keep me happy and to flush all the fat I consumed last week:

The best fucking salmon I’ve ever made! Marinated in soy sauce, garlic, and agave for an hour; folded in foil; and baked at 350 for 25-30 min.

Roasted beets, parsnips, and turnips!

3-2-1 cake (or as I like to make it, 6-4-1 cake) with strawberries! Recipe: all over Pinterest and here http://www.food.com/recipe/3-2-1-cake-455416
The one above is chocolate, but I just bought a spice cake mix to try next! YEA!

My new favorite thing: KALE CHIPS! Holyfuckingshit! So good! A lil’ time consuming to make, but totally worth it! Love ’em the most!!  And they look like foliage!  Hot.

*
Last night was trivia, and we got 2nd place, which means $15 tab!  Yea! Even though one of my teammates I‘m starting to hate changed 2 of my correct answers to wrong answers.  Fucker.

*
I’m a lil’ freaked out again about my budget.  Sucks because I thought I had the summer covered with my summer-school job.  Turns out, I actually do have money until August 1st, but even if when I get a full-time teaching job for August, I won’t get my first paycheck ’til October 1.  Whole lotta bullshit…

*
Okay… I guess that’s it….  I’m going to watch The Wire (my new distraction) and prepare my mind and body for tomorrow’s 7am bootcamp at Red Rocks!  Sheesh!  More on that, plus other musings, tomorrow… hopefully.

Whit

“I love being by myself, love being outdoors, love taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, the sky.” -Audrey Hepburn

Today, I’m having a crap day with kids I normally like, but I planned to write about my weekend; so I’m going to remember the good times and refrain from commiserating about the shitty children with which I’m dealing.

I unexpectedly agreed to dog-sit for the lack of interest this weekend.  We’re friends again, I hooked him up with a deal (that, in turn, hooked me up with extra cash), and he called to ask me to watch Lola about an hour before he left town.  That’s just how he is…….

Honestly, I like dog-sitting.  First, it gives me practice at having 2 dogs (which I assume is inevitable).  Second, it gives Beatrice a friend for when I’m gone.  Third, Lola is a crazymonster, but she’s a great workout buddy (unlike Bea who stops and starts and dies after 30 minutes).

Downside:  Lola sheds, and Bea doesn’t.  Shedding is shit.  I hate it.  I hate that I’m going to have to de-hair all day tomorrow.  I will never own a shedding dog!

************

I was in bed by 9 Friday night, and that allowed me to get up early on Saturday without an alarm!  My favorite thing!

I made an appointment for Bea to get groomed at a salon next to City Park so that I could wear out the Lola dog while Bea got buzzed.  We walked for an hour non-stop; I think we covered over 4 miles.  We walked around the entire park, including the pond and Zoo.  My fav thing about where I live is that I’m just a short walk from 2 beautiful parks:  one includes the botanical gardens and the other includes the zoo.  FUN!  I grabbed Bea when she was done, and we came back to the park for about 30 minutes so I could sit, stretch, and enjoy the weather.

City Park

Pic above from Google

I got some sun.  Lolz got worn out.  Bea got the ugliest (but most necessary) buzz-cut.  Great day!

Lolz adventurin’

Lola hates Bea’s haircut, too

Bea’s Buzz

We then came home for a shower and headed to a friend’s for a backyard Cinco de Mayo fest, but it was quickly rained out, and I was happy to get home and in bed.

Sunday, I had a date.  Oooooooh!  I know…..  Not ready to reveal any deets about the boy, but I will say that he arranged the date like a man, with plenty of notice and a plan.  We met for Mexican food, and then, we took a drive 30 miles out of the city to Golden Gate Canyon for a 4 mile hike that had increasing elevation.  Difficult but well worth it!  He was very gentlemanly and fun.  I had a great time!

Burnt Forest

Indian Paintbrush

The Date drew a pic of the burnt forest on a rock with part of a burnt branch!

We took a break at the peak and spotted some paragliders!

Whit

“There is always room for coincidence.” -Alva Noto

20 Things I Have Seen In The Past Week

-two big dogs pulled in a trailer behind a bicycle
-3 different sets of keys in one area in the street
-a drawing meant to apologize to me for being rude
-a guy on my stoop begging me to hang out with him and his girlfriend
-a stranger defending me for almost hitting a cyclist who did not stop at a stop sign
-3 whole seasons of Lost
-middle schoolers who have already “given up” on success/their future
-multiple English teachers from my school applying to other schools
-no clue/no glimmer of what’s to come June 1 (financially speaking)
-my Gusband’s perm
-an Okie celeb’s cowardice cause pain to those I care about
-a winner of RuPaul’s drag race who I camped with for a weekend in Arkansas many moons ago
-the new Winnie the Pooh (and it was breathtaking)
-5th place loss at trivia
-a smoking elephant won as a bonus-question-prize that I’m thinking of sending to Cindy
-my $300 leftover (after bills) for this month slowly dwindling away
-my upcoming, whirlwind trip to OKC at the end of the month looming ahead
-myself throw a wadded up piece of paper at a sleeping student
-so many DIY projects that I cannot attempt without a sewing machine/cash flow
-all the jobs for which I’ve applied disappear from the job website
-a list/plan of 56 meals for 22 days for $150 total (go me!)
******

Plus, I made and devoured this awesomeness!

I plan to start sharing recipes again soon, since I’m in love with my Crock-Pot 🙂

Whit

“All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman, and a pretty girl.” -Charlie Chaplin

Last week was such a bust that I was very thankful to be employed to sub on Friday (even though Friday was my holiday).  I subbed for a Reading Intervention teacher, which means small classes and easily teachable assignments.  Of course, the kiddos were *talking* about the significance of 420, but I knocked them down a rung by reminding them it was the 13th memorial of the Columbine massacre.  I was only dreading one class of 6th graders, and when no one was present two minutes after the class should have begun, I was feeling very lucky.  I found another teacher and she explained that the 6th graders were having a party in the cafeteria.  So I spent the dreaded hour happily painting faces rather than wrangling immature butt-faces.

I was supposed to end the day with my work-friend and dranks, but she has a lil’ one and we can rarely keep our after-work plans.  I called another friend, and we went for $2 tumblers of wine (happy hour indeed) and played a game of Scrabble on a patio.  I ended the evening early and came home to a disgusting Beatrice who needed a bath immediately.  I have $30 to get me gas and groceries before next Tuesday; so I was happy to be tipsy and full of fellowship by 6:30 pm.

Saturday was reserved for a birthday in the park and Record Store Day.  I met some friends and we rode bikes to Cheesman Park where we met my Martha Plimpton lookalike for his Dirty 30.  We drank, smoked, played Smalley Ball and Beerminton, and enjoyed the sun.  Then, a few of us hopped on our bikes and headed to a record store where I found a best of the Beach Boys vinyl for $3.

Next, we got stoop-id by hanging on a friend’s porch ’til it got dark.  Now, these “friends” are quickly becoming my not-so-favorite people because they’re “drunk” after 2 drinks and either fighting or making out.  Annoying!

But, they live 4 blocks away and have dogs and a porch.  So………….

***

My new favorite things:
The League!
-Have you seen this show?  Super testosterone-driven but truly witty and fun.
1st PLACE!
-Again, I led my trivia team to a first place victory and 25 bar dollars.
Bananas?!
-I now know how to efficiently peel a banana like a primate.  I feel so smart every time I do it.
2 meals in 1!
-One day last week, I made too much quinoa and ground turkey mixture for the 2 tiny bell peppers I planned to stuff, cook, and freeze; so on Saturday morning, I scrambled up some eggs and added them to the quinoa mixture with a little low-fat cheese, avocado, and Louisiana hot sauce.  It was breakfast magic!
SKYPE!
-I know I’ve mentioned it before, but Skype is a god-send!  Austin and I were inspired by a recent ep of Happy Endings to have a Skype-table at his birthday party.  It was a huge hit!  It was so awesome to see all of my friemly!  I just wish I could have enjoyed all of the delicious-looking food!!!

Whit

“Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days.” -Todd Barry

I am so ready to be out of Limbo.

Yes.  I feel as though I’ve been on the edge of Hell for the past (almost) 2 years.

Since I was fired, everything has been up in the air.

I was raised poor, was a poor college student.  But when I began teaching professionally, I was able to keep my finances afloat.

For four years, I never overdrew.  I never wondered how I was going to make rent.  Sure, I wanted to go and do.  Sure, I wanted more than I had, but I was comfortable.

Happy?  Sometimes.

Affluent? Never.

Comfortable.

Now, every one should leave the comfort-zone occasionally.  And I do appreciate the last 2 years.  I live where I want.  And I’m still trying to do what I want.

But there is just so much uncertainty.

I love that the new HBO show GIRLS discusses life after college in our modern economy.

I know I’m not alone.  I just can’t wait ’til they deal with the problems of “where to find the money/path/route/means to success.”

I thought everything was working out:  I sub at the school I’ve been with since August; I get a somewhat set schedule; I put myself in the running for a possible job opportunity at this school.

But I’m still applying elsewhere, to no avail.

First-year-teachers are getting those jobs because first-year-teachers cost less than me.

A seemingly evil secretary is cock-blocking me at my school:  I had 3 sub jobs lined up this week ($300) and only found out at 7 am, while standing in the school’s office, that, no, someone else would be working that job instead of me.

No $300 for me.

My 401K is completely gone.

There’s only $400 available on my credit card.

So, what if I don’t have rent money in June?

Seriously, what?

I know I could couch hop, but where would all my stuff go?

I thought I had cemented a summer school job, but that may actually have been set in silly putty rather than cement.

“Well, I’ll offer it to the regular summer school teachers first.  Then, I’ll inquire about new positions.”

Thanks, Princi-PAL.  You told me 2 months ago it was mine.  Now, we’re a month away, and you still “don’t know.”

English teachers at my school talk of leaving, but I’ve played that game.  You’re not gonna go until you have something else set in stone. “You’ll be the first person I tell!”  Really?  We’ll see about that.

I want to be there.  Others don’t.  Give me my job!

***

So….. that’s where I’m at.  On the edge of hell.

With all of the insanity these few, short months of 2012 have provided….. I’m not surprised.

I am healthy.  I am (fairly) happy.  I get to see mountains every day.  Yea.

It’s always good to put the scary and the special in list form so as to not lose sight of ….. I don’t know…

SCARY:
-my computer is acting wonky and there’s no money for repair or new, unless it’s financed.
-evil secretary is making my life difficult while I’ve done everything to make her’s easier.
-my friend broke my french press; so I have coffee but no way to make it; no money to replace it.
-Beatrice has a poop butt; she needs a bath but our wonky weather makes me not want to do it; think car-wash.
-my landlord is weird; I want to move into my friend’s property; but I can’t make those decisions now.
-I booked a flight to OKC for my former students’ graduation, meaning I can’t take Bea, and I just found out I have no reason to rush it (which is why I’m flying); I hate flying; I hate leaving Bea; I hate that I’m making this trip short for no reason.

SPECIAL:
-food is good; I’m absolutely in love with my Crockpot; I love to eat; I love to cook; I still amaze myself in the kitchen.
-Chobani yogurt is a gift from the divine.
-a teacher went to bat for me yesterday in a BIG way; I love supportive colleagues!
-Beatrice has somehow gotten accustomed to my ever-changing schedule; such a trooper.
-my “stories” help me feel normal; I love TV without TV.
-TRIVIA!  I may have found an appropriate outlet for my brain.  I’ve got a new friend, and we’re a powerhouse.  Plus, the QuizMaster loves us.
-my workouts have been fun and I feel like I’m accomplishing things, even though there are no physical results.
-burpees might be my new favorite thing; yes, I’m apparently a masochist.
-Skype!  I’ve been skype-ing with my Gusband, and like he said, “It’s like you came over to hang out!” Special.

***

Look!  The pros outnumber the cons.  Go me!

Whit

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” -Groucho Marx

Sick!  Been wantin’ to write to y’all, but I’ve feel like I’m recovering from being hit by a bus…  A bus that makes me sweat, then freeze, have the most fun delirious thoughts, not eat, and hate everything.

What better time to write?!  Stuck in bed and looooopy!

Jeeze, Beatrice needs extra postivity today because I’ve told her, “I hate everything…. I hate everyone except you….” about 75 times in the last 4 days.

I’ve been fightin’ the funk for 2 weeks.  ACV every day.  Garlic every day.  Vitamins, good diet, and Zyrtec every day.  Plenty of physical activity.  But I think this past week of hellacious children just wore me down.  Tuesday night my shoulders were hunched up to my earholes and I was achy.  Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep, and I sweat like a pig.  Thursday was the Thunder game.

Damn.  I was excited about this.  I bought a ticket the day they went on sale.  Just knew I’d have a crew.

I love basketball.  I love OK.  It shoulda been awesome.

But it was just okay.

Everyone had their own plans, and I was the tagalong.

I felt like shit all day and after school, so it took me a long time to finally push my ass out the door and all the effort I could muster to hail a cab.

My seat was solo, and I needed more Thunder fans around me (for protection).  Luckily, the lackofinterest from last summer was there with his new (official) girlfriend.  YEA!  And they invited me to sit with them! NEAT!

I had a fever by this point, and was texting the gusband, “I hate everything!”

Regardless, I played musical chairs for a while, and I had an okay time, but I really felt like THEshit and was dreading the 7 am school day looming ahead.

The school day was pretty good on Friday until the last period.

It was a group I’ve had before that were so terrible I refused to sub for them again the following day.  The sub they ended up having also refused to ever sub for them again.  They are embarrassing to their entire grade level.

Also, it was a math class (I don’t count so good), and the teacher was unexpectedly ill; so there were no plans… total chaos.

I told them at the beginning, “This is your chance to redeem yourself, transform my 1st impression of you, change your reputation.  I’ve got some worksheets for you.  Just do them quietly and chill out.  I don’t feel well, and I’m not raising my voice.  Please.”

I barely got the words out before kids were shouting, “I’m not doin’ shit,” and “We don’t have a bad reputation,” and “What time is class over?”

They were insanely loud and ridiculous.  Not all, of course, but most.

Class is always over at 2:47, so at 2:46 I packed my computer, walked toward the door, turned off the lights, and left.

Stunned teenagers shrieked.  And I just walked.

Now, that was NOT my best moment.  That is NOT what I should’ve done.  But we’re not in KansasOklahoma anymore, and my co-workers and administration support me.  I technically did nothing wrong.  And this class needs a clue.

So… then I coached a pretty good cheer practice (yep, I’m doing that again, and it requires its own post).

And I came home…

And just flopped.

I went straight to bed with the Bea.  I sent some texts saying I would be sitting out St. Pat’s and the entire weekend.

Slept and sweat from 8:30 pm to 8:30 am.

Bathed in ACV and hot water until I was freezing? So weird.

Fell asleep at 5:30 pm.  Awoke at 5:30 am to close my bedroom window because a group of people were seemingly having a laughing contest outside.

Slept until 8:30 am and actually felt okay enough to walk Beatrice.

I still haven’t eaten anything since yesterday’s bagel with almond butter at 1:30 (over 24 hours ago), but I do believe I’m on the mend.

Attempting some gentle yoga today with no inversions to release a lil’ more stress in my chest and back.

***

Luck!  I think I may have actually had it this year.  Sure, yesterday when I hated everyone except Beatrice, I thought, “Man, St. Pat’s sucks!”

I mean, remember this story and this one?

And then again, this exact time last year I was on my way to Salida for some good bandluck…  (Jesus, the fever-induced delirious dreams are NOT letting me forget that)

But ya know what?  I didn’t spend a dime all weekend.  I didn’t drink empty calories.  I didn’t make bad decisions.  And my fridge is fully stocked for the week ahead because I didn’t eat anything!  Pretty good timing considering I’m a lil’ nervous about the next paycheck.

It’s like I got a free pass for the weekend for being a hermit in hibernation!

But………….  I still had internet access.

And I discovered that the only real boyfriend I had in my 20s, the only other real boyfriend I’ve ever had besides this one, got married yesterday.

This was a bad relationship.  I was in it because someone wanted to be my boyfriend.  And call himself my “boyfriend.”  And it lasted over 4 years.  But it was bad after 4 months.  It was the longest relationship I had ever had at 6 months.  It was not good, but it was what it was.

I’m not actually upset that he’s married.  I am worried about the wife (I know her, and I know he’s no different than he used to be).

It just comes back to, “Why not me?”

I was never ever going to marry him.  He was an alcoholic who waited 3 of those 4 years to ever say he loved me.

I feel sorry for the wife.

But why do gross people get to do this thing I want to do?

***

Funny!  The high school reunion that formed in the wake of this opened my eyes and got me motivated to get out of that relationship.

We dated and lived together throughout the majority of my college career.  I was a recluse for almost 5 years.  The “reunion” put me in my social element without him.  It put me around people I hadn’t seen in years.  It put me back in high school, but now looking better (with eyebrows and good hair), around all of the “upper classmen.”

Guys noticed me.  And I liked it.  They had jobs and weren’t alcoholics.

It’s like the curse was broken.  And (albeit 6 months later) I broke up with the dude dud.

The problem that I’m dealing with is that I keep meeting the wrong men/men like him.

2 boyfriends in 30 years?

Okay.  That’s fine.  But I’m ready to meet the boyfriend who wants to date me for the next 30 years.

Let’s get this party started.

If it doesn’t happen soon (i.e. 7 years), I’m gonna have to have a baby with a platonic life-partner, and that’s gonna be really hard to explain to my family.

Whit

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx

I could talk to you about my crapday.  Special place in Hell for kids who bully teachers…

I could talk to you about my wonderful weekend filled with a 6mile bike ride, 4mile hike, and awesome dinner in Boulder.

I could talk to you about how I’m never hungry the day before my period starts.  What’s up with that?

I could talk to you about how I used to worry about the Bundys from Married…With Children because they never ate food… like never.

But instead I’m going to be silly (even sillier than the previous comment) and list all of the ridiculous names I call my dog.  Her official name is Beatrice Bojangles Balboa Butterfield, and sure, those names come out of my mouth often, but some of her “other” names/nicknames are bizarre.  Do you call your animals by totally random names?  I mean, they make since to you but no one else?  Kimmie calls Brick (the dog) a Wiener Cat.  I love that.

My dad’s nickname for me is “Doc.”  He calls Molly “Maggie” and Susannah (Gracie).  No wonder we have identity issues!  Ha

I joke.  I love Dad’s names for us.  It’s cute.  And so are these:

B- Bea, Be-uh, BB, Baby, Bean, Bean keys, Binky, Beanbutt, Babybean, Beanie Baby, Babykins, Babykid, The Babyist, Buttbaby, Beano, Bunny, Bacon, Beacon, Beak, Beak of Mine, Bumble, Bun, Butters, Boon, Boonie, Boondoggie, Boogie, Biggie, Bad Child, Beat Rice

C- Cat, Catdog, Carol Channing

D- Dog

F- Fluffybunny

G- Gooby, Goobersnatch, Gumby

H- Hunbun, Honey

K- Kittydog, Kittycat, Kit Kat, Kissyface

L- Lovey, Lovebun, Little, Littlest, The Littlest, Loaf of Bread, Little Butt

M- Mouse, Monkey, Mami, My Little Pony

P- Pinky, Pink Feet, Petite Feet, Peengy, Peen, Poon, Piggie, Pigdog, Pony, Punky Brewster

S- Sweet Peet, Sweetpea, Spunky Rooster

T- Tinky

W- Winky

She is the best around! No one’s ever gonna bring her down!

She brightens up every single one of my days!  I love her more than I love pretty much anything.  I am a much happier person because of her.  The Humane Society is an organization to which I will always be indebted.  Thank you for changing my life.

Whit

“I’m clearing all the crap out of my room. Trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue…” -Laura Mariling’s “Goodbye England”

Yep.  That’s exactly what I’m doing….

The entirety of this song could just be the entirety of this post….

You were so smart then in your jacket and coat. My softest red scarf was warming your throat. Winter was on us at the end of my nose. And I never love England more than when covered in snow. But a friend of mine says it’s good to hear you believe in love, even if said in fear. Well, I’ll hold you there brother and set you straight, I only believe true love is frail and willing to break.

I will come back here, bring me back when I’m old. I want to lay here forever in the cold. I might be cold but I’m just skin and bones, and I never love England more than when covered in snow.

I wrote my name in your book, only God knows why. And I bet you that he cracked a smile. And I’m clearing all the crap out of my room. Trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue. And I wrote an epic letter to you. And it’s twenty-two pages front and back, but it’s too good to be used. And I try to be a girl who likes to be used. I’m too good for that, there’s a mind under this hat! And I called them all and told them I’ve got to move.

I’m on my own, it’s too hard. I’m on my own, it’s too hard.

Feel like running, feel like running. Running  off…

****

I thought I met someone new, but he just turned out to be the 5th person in Denver to stand me up…

5 times in one year.

I was stood up 3 times in 27 years in Oklahoma!

Denver:  The Ditch yoU state!

I thought the end of September and the whole of October would be financially modest but manageable, and I just realized I’ll have -$10 on October 13th and nothing more until October 29th.

Checking (currently): -$12    Savings (currently): $0

Paycheck: $1024

Bills:  $1022

Wow.

Yes, November-January will produce slightly larger checks, but it just won’t cover what I’ll have to charge in October and the possibility of no employment in February.

The first words out of my mouth this morning were, “I am suicidal.”

Don’t worry yet.

I’ve been here too many times, and statistically speaking, I won’t do it.

(joke, y’all)

I simply meant that my life is killing itself.

Time keeps on slipping….

I realized yesterday, while walking Beatrice, that I don’t get a do-over.  Yep, I realized just yesterday, that this. is. it.

I may never be a mother.

A man (that is not already part of my friemly) may never want me the way I want him.

I might never “own” more than I can fit in a U-haul.

I will probably always live paycheck-to-paycheck.

It could all end any day.

I only have one chance to do what makes me happy.

Unfortunately, some of “what makes me happy” is not always free, healthy, or productive.

It’s really hard not to stay home, eat my own food, smoke pot, watch Netflix and such.

But it’s also difficult to go to the park alone.  Go to the bar alone.  Go to the bookstore alone.  Go to the farmers’ market alone.

Especially when you’ve got no money, ha!

I started this journey alone, raised as an only child for so long.  I am accustomed to it.

I’ve always been “me.”  I’ve always been like “this.”  If I’ve ever changed, I think it’s been for the better; so I want to learn from my past and improve what can be improved.

The world is literally falling apart before our very eyes. We’ve never learned from the past!  The Peasant’s Revolt of 1381?  Theocracies?  Socialism?  Kennedy’s Inaugural address?  Polar ice cap melt?

I can teach future generations about this.

That’s all.

I can only earn money by getting paid the wage that is set.  If I cannot find a job, I’m in the same boat as millions.

Can’t change it.

I can continue to be the person that I am.  I am loved by some amazing people, and while it’s odd that there’s not one man who can see me the way my friemly sees me, who loves me the way I love him, and who is not gay, I’ve always got friemly.

‘Til the bitter end.

I can love my dog like a child.  I can love my friemly’s children.  I can raise hundreds of teenagers to be good citizens.

That makes me very happy.

****

So the Winter of Whitney begins!

Monday, October 3rd!

Mark it!

First, I will not go out until Fall Break (the last weekend in Oct).  Happy hour may be permitted occasionally at a place I found with $2 LiTs….

Second-OF-ly, I will not pursue any straight man until 2012.  I may be pursued, but I’m not looking….

C.  I will join my school’s gym (with $10 that I don’t actually have) and work out every day after school.  One day off a week may be enjoyed if necessary, but I really like working out, and I must take advantage of the gym’s location and price.  I’ve really missed this part of my life.  I LOVE ELLIPTICAL MACHINES 🙂

Last, I cannot spend money, but I will not deprive myself.  I’ve always been frugal, and I will continue to be.  I’m actually doing better than most since my debt is so low and has only been accumulating for one year.

Hopefully, this Winter of Whitney will help me become happier and healthier and I’ll continue to improve myself.

I don’t know……….

Whit

“Why do you think I’m taking Teamocil?” -Lindsay Funke

Sorry I’ve been neglectful…

I just don’t really want to talk think write about what’s goin’ on these days….

I wanna be at work at 7am; come home and be with Bea; eat food; watch documentaries/shows about the UK; go to bed; rinse and repeat.

‘Tis the life of a lonely teacher…

But see, I want to do all of those things…

I need to work out; I need to get out and about…

But see, I don’t want to do those things….

I want to talk to my Hubaround for an hour every other day, get the shit out of my head, and prepare for tomorrow.

Rinse and repeat.

It’s been working…. Kinda

I’m surly.

I’m in a funk.

Due to

the lackofinterest and our HonestyWorld

the psychological effects of the “lack” of interest

the acne-attack

the psychological effects of the acne-attack

the money shortage

the fear of January 2012

the desire for material things

It’s all throwing me off……………………………

But see, there’s always a lil’ good going around too…

I have been talkin’ to the Hubaround quite a bit, and he’s so good for a vent and release.  I treasure him and our love.

I have been textin’ with MyGirl, albeit drunkenly mostly, but we have such a link.  I’m so grateful to be “gotten.”

I have taken the 2nd long-term sub job and a tutoring job at the same school; so I’m set until January.

I have completed all of the training to be a daily sub, long-term sub, and QUALIFIED teacher in Colorado. Whew!  Ridiculous runaround!  Now, the wait for the actual slip of paper proving it……..

I have found a niche with some of my students.  And I’m getting to know some of my co-workers a little better.

I have been putting together the cutest, Fall work outfits!  I love this weather, and I’ve finally gotten the hang of layering in Colorado (so essential).  The cool breeze and warm sun are such a gift.  The leaves are turning pink……..

There.

Nice.

Whit