“I’m clearing all the crap out of my room. Trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue…” -Laura Mariling’s “Goodbye England”

Yep.  That’s exactly what I’m doing….

The entirety of this song could just be the entirety of this post….

You were so smart then in your jacket and coat. My softest red scarf was warming your throat. Winter was on us at the end of my nose. And I never love England more than when covered in snow. But a friend of mine says it’s good to hear you believe in love, even if said in fear. Well, I’ll hold you there brother and set you straight, I only believe true love is frail and willing to break.

I will come back here, bring me back when I’m old. I want to lay here forever in the cold. I might be cold but I’m just skin and bones, and I never love England more than when covered in snow.

I wrote my name in your book, only God knows why. And I bet you that he cracked a smile. And I’m clearing all the crap out of my room. Trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue. And I wrote an epic letter to you. And it’s twenty-two pages front and back, but it’s too good to be used. And I try to be a girl who likes to be used. I’m too good for that, there’s a mind under this hat! And I called them all and told them I’ve got to move.

I’m on my own, it’s too hard. I’m on my own, it’s too hard.

Feel like running, feel like running. Running  off…

****

I thought I met someone new, but he just turned out to be the 5th person in Denver to stand me up…

5 times in one year.

I was stood up 3 times in 27 years in Oklahoma!

Denver:  The Ditch yoU state!

I thought the end of September and the whole of October would be financially modest but manageable, and I just realized I’ll have -$10 on October 13th and nothing more until October 29th.

Checking (currently): -$12    Savings (currently): $0

Paycheck: $1024

Bills:  $1022

Wow.

Yes, November-January will produce slightly larger checks, but it just won’t cover what I’ll have to charge in October and the possibility of no employment in February.

The first words out of my mouth this morning were, “I am suicidal.”

Don’t worry yet.

I’ve been here too many times, and statistically speaking, I won’t do it.

(joke, y’all)

I simply meant that my life is killing itself.

Time keeps on slipping….

I realized yesterday, while walking Beatrice, that I don’t get a do-over.  Yep, I realized just yesterday, that this. is. it.

I may never be a mother.

A man (that is not already part of my friemly) may never want me the way I want him.

I might never “own” more than I can fit in a U-haul.

I will probably always live paycheck-to-paycheck.

It could all end any day.

I only have one chance to do what makes me happy.

Unfortunately, some of “what makes me happy” is not always free, healthy, or productive.

It’s really hard not to stay home, eat my own food, smoke pot, watch Netflix and such.

But it’s also difficult to go to the park alone.  Go to the bar alone.  Go to the bookstore alone.  Go to the farmers’ market alone.

Especially when you’ve got no money, ha!

I started this journey alone, raised as an only child for so long.  I am accustomed to it.

I’ve always been “me.”  I’ve always been like “this.”  If I’ve ever changed, I think it’s been for the better; so I want to learn from my past and improve what can be improved.

The world is literally falling apart before our very eyes. We’ve never learned from the past!  The Peasant’s Revolt of 1381?  Theocracies?  Socialism?  Kennedy’s Inaugural address?  Polar ice cap melt?

I can teach future generations about this.

That’s all.

I can only earn money by getting paid the wage that is set.  If I cannot find a job, I’m in the same boat as millions.

Can’t change it.

I can continue to be the person that I am.  I am loved by some amazing people, and while it’s odd that there’s not one man who can see me the way my friemly sees me, who loves me the way I love him, and who is not gay, I’ve always got friemly.

‘Til the bitter end.

I can love my dog like a child.  I can love my friemly’s children.  I can raise hundreds of teenagers to be good citizens.

That makes me very happy.

****

So the Winter of Whitney begins!

Monday, October 3rd!

Mark it!

First, I will not go out until Fall Break (the last weekend in Oct).  Happy hour may be permitted occasionally at a place I found with $2 LiTs….

Second-OF-ly, I will not pursue any straight man until 2012.  I may be pursued, but I’m not looking….

C.  I will join my school’s gym (with $10 that I don’t actually have) and work out every day after school.  One day off a week may be enjoyed if necessary, but I really like working out, and I must take advantage of the gym’s location and price.  I’ve really missed this part of my life.  I LOVE ELLIPTICAL MACHINES 🙂

Last, I cannot spend money, but I will not deprive myself.  I’ve always been frugal, and I will continue to be.  I’m actually doing better than most since my debt is so low and has only been accumulating for one year.

Hopefully, this Winter of Whitney will help me become happier and healthier and I’ll continue to improve myself.

I don’t know……….

Whit