“Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.” -Mary Schmich

It’s been a while, eh?

I turned 29.

Yea!

It’s better than the alternative……

I haven’t been feeling well (the bi-annual allergy attack), but I’ve been getting A LOT of sleep.

That’s gotta be a good thing, right?

First off, to address the last comment I received –

Kristen, I’ve been eating easy foods 😦 Not fast food, but simple and easy because I’ve not been eating that much (this weird work schedule does that to me).  Yogurt or a Lara bar for breaky with a giant Celestial Seasons chai tea with skim and agave at 7am; “goodie plate” of raw veg, fruit, cheese, turkey, crackers and nuts at 12 or 2pm; whatever I can make with little to no effort at 7pm; bed by 9pm.

I will share 3 of my new, easy faves:

5 minute protein power

low-fat cottage cheese + garbanzo and kidney beans + chopped kalamata olives

Caliente Chicken

1 chicken breast + evoo + salt + cayenne + chili powder + minced garlic + 20 minutes @ 400 degrees

Quinoa La La

cooked quinoa + sautéed squash/zucchini/bell pep + evoo + salt + cayenne + chili powder + minced garlic + feta

I’ve been over-tired and busy and my mind is a mile a minute with work, life, trying to get my CO teaching license, trying to get my daily sub license (an entirely different process for some unknownstupid reason), friendships, interests, and money…………

Hence the repetitive, boring menu and 9pm bedtime.  Luckily, after 15 years of insomnia and night-owlism, I learned  during my 2nd year of teaching to go to bed when tired and make the best effort to get 8 hours of sleep.  I’ve accomplished this with flying colors recently, and I’ve become so skilled at it that it’s carried over into my weekends.  It’s really nice to have a whole day, that begins early, to use for work or play.

***

My actual birthday began with the formerinterest (more on that latermaybe) dropping off his little Lola at 6 am.  I agreed to dogsit for 6 days while he attends a wedding in FL.  I was really happy to do this because I want 2-dog practice and Bea needs friends.  I’d love to get Beatrice a Benedict one day, yet I know not when.  Lola is 2 years older than Bea, but you’d never guess it.  She’s hyper and aggressive but truly a scaredy-dog at heart.  It’s amazing to see how much calmer she is with me, but dogs simply react to their owners, and while I’m firm and strict with Bea, I keep a quiet, confident voice and am consistent with my rules and reactions.  Lola’s so insanecrazy with the formerinterest, I was a bit apprehensive about having her for a week, but she’s adapted her behavior to my standards and been a pleasantly peaceful addition.  I did, however, have an odd mental moment while giving the dogs “potty treats” where I envisioned my life in 15 years (hopefully) hosting my child’s friend during a sleepover.

“Who wants a snack?”

“YES!” Beatrice

“Yogurt and apples?!?” Lola

“That’s what we’re having.  If you don’t like it, sorry!”

Beatrice ate 2 helpings of potty treats, and finally, Lola came back around to actually try them, and she liked ’em!  She hasn’t turned her nose up to “treats” since.

Yeah…. I’ll be the mom with the healthy treats, and they’ll have to like it damn it 🙂

BFF

YOGI TIME!

When I got home from work, it was cold and dreary, but I quickly found a present in my mailbox from the Urban Agrarian and then had an hour-long phone call with my Hubaround.

My birthday seemed to cue Fall for Denver.  It was rainy and chilly in the low 60s all evening, and it made me really happy because I got to wear layers!  It also helped me choose the perfect happy hour bar! The night of my birthday, I met ML for happy hour at Steuben’s, which is comfort-food-and-drink heaven.  2 other friends met us there after about 2 hours, and we headed to Beauty Bar for martinis and manicures.

Friday night was set for the real bday bash = meaning I can haz dranks…

My old friend Mutt and I started with happy hour at Steuben’s ($2 beers and $1 sliders can’t be beat), and we continued the night with bar hopping until I can’t remember when.  All I know is that we did the Bluth chicken, sang “Gimme Three Steps” to a stunned bar crowd, 2-stepped to “Iko Iko,” searched for Shakedown Street until we finally found it at 2 am, ate fried things with cheese, and then I sprained my ankle while trying to sit down.  Mutt and my new friend, Denise, stayed the night so we could ride with the freaks early Saturday morning.

8 am, however came much too early and thirsty….

We missed Tour de Fat‘s bike brigade, but we still got to dress like weirdos and enjoy most of the festivities.

I got my face painted!

It was good ol’ freaky fun.

Whit

“Can’t one human being not like another human being? Can’t we all just not get along?” -Lesbian Yellow Sourfruit (aka: Liz Lemon)

I have a free moment but not a lot to say…….

Just thought I should check in……..

The funk is fading.  I’m afraid it may return soon, but it’s fading for now.

TMI:  I’ve been bleeding for 2 weeks and my period is supposed to start within the week.  Yep.  Due to my body readjusting to the Pill (again), my body’s been totally out of whack.

I’ve been diligent about working out and getting good rest, but I really think most of this funk is due to Mercury being in retrograde (and excessive bleeding).

My 29th birthday is steadily approaching, and I wish some Okies would use Labor Day’s long weekend to come visit me.  All of my friends here have plans for both weekends surrounding my Wednesday birthday.  I don’t have any extra money to do anything super fun.  I’d really like to go roller-skating or to an amusement park.  But that wouldn’t be so much fun all alone.

I’m hoping I can have a 3-way-birthday-partay with my friend ML and her friend during the weekend of the 17th, and that could be a good time if people would actually show up.  I really would like to get all of my friend-groups together: the gays, the hippies, the teachers, the Boulder-ers, and the rest.

******

This weekend was fairly uneventful but much appreciated.

ML cancelled our plans Friday night, but that meant I got gay-time!  I put on my cowboy boots, and Cody and I set out for line-dancing at Charlie’s (a gay, cowboy bar).  I got 3 free shots and learned the Hanky Panky.  Then, Cody and I bar-hopped to gay and straight places, saw 2 people projectile vomit, and I taught him about “punching mayonnaise.”

I basically slept all day Saturday.  I re-watched eps of 30 Rock (it makes me feel so normal and smart and happy), ate too much food, but I worked out too; so there was no guilt felt at all.

I was up by 7 today, made breaky, and I’ve already done a lil’ pilates and ridden my bike almost 7 miles.

Now, I’m watching part 1 of Monarchy: The Royal Family at Work.

If I do nothing else today, I’d feel totes fine about it!

Alas, I must grade papers, read a short story, plan an AP practice test, clean the kitchen, and rearrange some storage………………………………………………………..

Whit

“”Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them.” -Ray Bradbury, ‘Dandelion Wine’

Only FUN things today!!!!!!!

(even though my day was supershit)

My living-legend-writer-boyfriend turns 91 today!!!!!!!!!!

I love Ray Bradbury so very much, not just for his writing.  He’s a fucking prophet!  And just a doll!

Fahrenheit 451 and “The Pedestrian” will forever be 2 of my all-time favorite pieces of writing EVER!!!!!

 “Our civilization is flinging itself to pieces….” Fahrenheit…

*************************************************************************************************************

And now for something completely different………………..

I want to be this for Halloween:

“What the fuck is that?” you ask.

Well, it’s apparently called a “glitz girl” in its natural habitat (the GLITZ pageant).

This is one of the most ridiculous and truly frightening monstrosities in the world, and I think it would make for the most fun night!  Chugging Pixie Stix and Red Bulls, screaming randomly, making “cute” facial expressions, blowing tons of kisses, and spouting phrases like, “I want a cow now!” and “Point! PopToe! Point!” and “I’m gonna kick you in the face!” and “It’s the hardest job you can have.”

Then, there’s always this gem…..

I figure, if no one knows what I am, they’ll assume Drag Queen (and this is the closest I think I’ll ever get to that dream)!

I just hope no one assumes JonBenét ……………………….

Although I did find every thing I need for the costume in Boulder………………

Whit

“I grew up wanting to be Samantha Stevens… The closest I got was being married to a gay guy for two years.” -Carrie Fisher as Rosemary Howard (Liz Lemon’s idol), ’30 Rock’

In a funk, but it’s been 10 whole days since I’ve written, so here goes…….

The idea of Karma has come up quite a bit lately, and I really got to thinking after reading this.

My Girl and I have to find a new snark-fix, and I helped my new co-worker-friend steal an American flag; so yeah, I’m thinking ’bout bad juju….

I had a bad first day of school……  It sucked.

Luckily, I don’t have to “sweat the small stuff” at the new school, and I can try to be the fun teacher I was for the first 3 and a half years, but what a shit way to begin with these kids…….

I was looking forward to a fun-filled weekend to ease the burn and refresh me for a new week, but that didn’t really happen.

Some of that was my fault (see “funk”).

Mike and Kim welcomed me in Boulder for food and fellowship Friday evening.  Then, Mike and I had a nice brunch on Saturday.  I finally got to meet Kim’s sister, and I think I have a new best friend (who happens to live in Paris).

Last night was not what I expected, and that made me sad; so today I was determined to make the best of my Sunday, my weekend.

I actually found myself asking, “What will make you happy?”

eating – shopping – drinking – riding rollercoasters – exercising – spa treatment – hair appointment

Yes……………..

“What can you do without spending money that will still make you happy?”

talk to friends – exercise – meditate – price 30th birthday trips – price Toms wedges that you’ve wanted for 2 years

Yes……………..

“What will take your mind off the funk and produce some visible results?”

exercise – meditate – clean the house – write – do work, son

I’ve attempted to overcome my funk with positive self-talk all day along with a Walk for Optimism (which consisted of my regular 30 minute walk with Beatrice) during which I reminded myself of all the things I do well.  This should become a habit.

Then, I did a little exercise, and I meditated for 6 minutes.

Next, I deep-cleaned the APT: dishes, kitchen, trash, tub, toilet, sink, dusted all surfaces and window sills, and vacuumed.

I followed that with a big pot o’ spaghetti, and I made my lunch for tomorrow.

Now, I’m writing……… and I’m still in a funk, BUT I am so very proud of my accomplishments, and I do feel good about turning my worry into work.

Whit

“There’s a million ways to get things done. There’s a million ways to make things work out.” -Talking Heads, “What a Day That Was”

Good:

I have been officially hired for the job (that I was already hired for 3 weeks ago).

The DPS paperwork has gone through, and that has taken a huge weight off of me.

The school is awesome.  The systems, policies, and procedures are what most schools strive to have.  They have it.

The administration treats its staff like professional adults with very important jobs, not like children playing “school.”

I’m not so worried about what’s going to happen in October, as it appears I have another long-term sub job that will begin then plus an after school tutoring gig. Still in the works but a perfect possibility.

It’s nice to not have to decorate a classroom, make a syllabus, create a year-long lesson plan.

Best:

I’m back on The Pill, and my skin is thrilled.  “Thanks, lady, for giving us what we need!” Love, Your Pores

Pills are mailed home now 2 weeks before they run out, and I couldn’t be happier with the fact that I won’t have to bolt down the street every 4th Sunday.

The curriculum I’m teaching for 6 weeks is pretty great.  I’m so fucking happy that Kate Chopin is the 1st author I’m working with.

I created a little corner in my classroom to share a bit about myself with my students.

I’ve put up my OK flag (that I stole from a neighborhood when I was 16), and if you can see the circles, I’ll explain what they are.  So I used the scrap middle circles from the “O”s that teachers cut out on the lounge’s letter cutter, and the 5 in the border are all drawings of things that represent me: a vinyl record, a baseball, the earth, a comedy mask, and the food pyramid.  There will be a pic of Beatrice in the border tomorrow.

The circles on the flag represent Oklahoma: the first shopping cart, the state vegetable, the first parking meter, the state rock song, and the first electric guitar.

My diploma and “UCO” in blue and gold are hung to encourage college awareness.

The school has AIR CONDITIONING, A LETTER CUTTER, A POSTER MAKER, 5+ COPIERS, 2 ITs, SMART BOARDS, TEACHER LAPTOPS, and so much more that I can’t even type because this school is so fucking rad.

I’ve never been in a school that provides support and supplies that just make the already difficult work-day run more smoothly.  AND I’VE BEEN IN SCHOOLS WITH A LOT MORE FUNDING!

Austin called me out of the blue yesterday (we hadn’t spoken in a month).  It was surprising, but it was a great 2 hour conversation.  I’m trying to talk him into going somewhere with me for my 30th birthday.  He says he’s down.

Bad:

I don’t think many of my co-workers like me.  It may just be due to the fact that I’m not “permanent.” And it could be due to the fact that these people are good at their jobs and don’t bullshit around like the folks to which I’m accustomed.  But I have seen people going out to lunch and whatnot, and it sucks to not be invited……….

I’m concerned about the side effects of going back on The Pill.  Weight gain, boob weight gain, sadgirlmanicdepression (more PMSposts!), hormones, guilt about pissing hormones into drinking water……………..

I’ve been watching “chick flicks.”  The genre I most despise.  Why am I doing this?  Well, the answer is twofold: I’m streaming movies from a site, like, a lot, and if I don’t have to pay to see something, but I can still see it, I’m probably gonna look at it even if it’s horribleterrible.  Also, the interest apparently really likes “chick flicks,” and he suggested one; so I watched it.  Now, it’s become a thing……..

Well, not so much of a thing…..  but I’ve watched a few more than I should have (who am I kidding, I shouldn’t have watched any of them)……..

I watched He’s Just Not That Into You, and I’m starting to believe that no man straight man has ever been into me…….

Worst:

He’s just not that into me.  Or I’m an amazing-awesome-wife-material-catch that no man straight man can bear to be with because he’s just not ready for a relationship.

And I hate that if/when things dissolve with the interest, I’m gonna be a wreck of a nutcase because I can constantly observe him coming and going and being and living ACROSS THE FUCKING STREET.

Oh, and I have no idea how to address things with the sisterfriend with whom I’m at odds….. I don’t really know, and I’m too busy to care, and that makes me feel guilty.  I really have no interest in visiting OK for a long while, and that makes me feel guilty.

Lot’s a shit going on in this brain……………………………….

 

There’s a million ways that this whole thing (called life) could work out……………..

 

Whit

“Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow trouble.” -George Washington

These… These are currently a few of my favorite things…

Fake (phake) Pho = Ramen + Frozen shrimp

Who Nu Cookies

Lemons

Sitting around my APT completely naked

Focussing on my strengths

Laughing at shit that’s awesome and not caring

Making fun of the shit that’s ridiculous and not caring

Girls that “get” me and love it

Boys that “get” me and are afraid of it

***

These… These are few things currently on my mind…

I don’t accomplish a lot of goals

I’m lazy, but a lot of people don’t think so

I’ve literally written more this year than any other since 2006

The relationship with my sisterfriend is still fucked, and neither of us is trying to fix it

When I sell this furniture (pleaseJAHsoon), I’m going to feel a sense of weightlessness

I want my career back

I want health insurance

I want clear skin

***

I feel like Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York.  (Yes, I just watched some interviews with her.)  “How do I find self-worth?” she asked.

Yes.  How?

This whole year of not teaching and not doing much of anything has added a ton to this loaded question, “What am I contributing to my life and the world?”

***

This blog has really helped me to sort out some of this junk that is cluttering my mind, but I’m still in a rut.

I know we’re supposed to say and think, “Everything happens for a reason… This wasn’t meant to be… That just wasn’t the right job… He just wasn’t the right guy…” but the more that things don’t work out in our favor, the more difficult it is to stay positive.

***

So, I’ve decided to accomplish a goal every day and to be satisfied with myself, proud of myself for accomplishing something.  (The negative self-talk/self-hate has ruled my life for almost 29 years; and look where that’s gotten me.)

If I clean the kitchen, GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!

If I make the bed, GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!

If I ride my bike, GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!

If I workout, GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!

If I take a shower, GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!

If I bathe Beatrice, GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!

I know it sounds silly, and these “goals” aren’t necessarily milestones, but I need to focus on being my own cheerleader.  I need to be proud of what I actually do.  I’ve spent too much of my life not giving myself any credit for anything because “Of course you cleaned the kitchen/worked out/bathed Beatrice/graduated college/became a teacher, that’s a normal activity.”

No one is going to say, “Hey!  Great Job!”

But that doesn’t mean I can’t say it and feel it.

***

That’s why I began this post with some “favorite things.” I need to take joy in the things that I love.  The things that bring me comfort and happiness, the things that are private, the things that for no reason other than “I just like it” satisfy me and are the things that I must focus on.

Well, that and obtaining a job…

***

I’ve been told since I can remember, “You worry too much.”  True.  I do.  I’ve been afraid that if I stop worrying, no one else will.  I now, however, have really tried to focus all of that worry on myself.  This is the reason I’ve stopped watching TV and stopped becoming emotionally involved in politics.  I’ve stripped a lot of that useless worry from my life, and I plan to keep getting better at this.

“Give me the strength to change the things I can. The courage to accept the things that I cannot. And the wisdom to know the difference…”

SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whit

“I don’t wanna wonder whether you love me; I don’t wanna wonder whether you care. So, don’t try to woo me. Don’t try to fool me. Oh, I know all of your tricks. It’s the possibility of stayin’ in my corner.” -Zooey Deschanel, “Take it Back”

I spent the last 3 days with a boy who claims to be “decently smitten” with me.

Magic on Thursday night…

Sweet words and sweetness Friday night…

Pho and a million hot dogs and a Rockies game and a punk rock show on Saturday…

Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris (his suggestion) at an indie theater built in the 1930s, bike rides to 2 different coffee shops where we read books and discussed philosophy, followed by dinner at Vine St. Pub on Sunday….

Since we live across the street from each other, we did not (thankfully) spend every moment together, but we spent a good deal of quality time really getting to know each other and our city.

We have stuff to talk about.

We know some of the same people.

We’ve got a lot in common.

And we have chemistry….

Plenty of that!

Problem?

I was warned this would happen.

The gusband specifically said, “Don’t do it.”

Why?

“He falls in love too quickly.  He always has a girlfriend.”

So?

“So do you want that? You know people like that.”

I do want a relationship.  And it’s been a long time since someone liked me for more than just sex.

My Girl then added the bits about “the past.”

Don’t we all have one?

Indeed.  We do.

Difference?

This ain’t Oklahoma.

I came here for the lifestyle- healthy, active, proactive -as well as the environment, climate, and mind-set.  I came here to change.

And I think I have changed, to an extent. I want to be here so badly, and not at all because of the new interest.  You all know that.  This is truly where I think I belong… Let the Gods of Employment will it so!

This place just runs differently, and I like it.

That’s what he was looking for.  He moved here for a life-change, and from what I’ve witnessed, he’s taking all of the necessary steps to achieve that goal.

The friends he has here are very different from the ones back home. Hell, they can’t shut up about how much they want me in his life.  He has told me that I’ve been a good influence on him so far, and I’m having a bit of fun with the fact that he’s been a bad influence on me.

Something is good here:

He’s not unattainable.  He’s not in a relationship.  He doesn’t live miles away (literally I can see his window from mine).

He’s nice to me.  He’s attractive.  He’s smart.  He’s fun.

No one has kissed me in public (that wasn’t drunk) in a long time.  I feel wanted but also respected.

The only real anxiety-inducing facet of this “relationship” is that my phuckingphone obviously doesn’t want it to work out.  I never get his texts, and it caused me to think I was being stood up Friday night when I missed the textS (multiple) telling me he was running late.

Oh, and there’s that little part about me leaving Denver, maybe?

It’s just the possibility…………………that’s killin’ me ……………………………………………………………………………………….

Whit

“Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.” -John Wooden

I’m better.

Really.

No, I didn’t go get d-Runk.

But I did think about my options.

Happy to have options.

So happy.

I thought, maybe moving back to OK to save money is not that bad of an idea.  As long as I put a time limit on my time there.

I could sell some furniture.  I could rent a storage unit for the rest of my belongings, which would be cheaper than rent for an apartment. I could live rent-free with my bonusEXstepmom or at Grey Gardens. I could substitute teach for $85 a day and have a little job on the side.  And after 6-9 months, I could move elsewhere……….

I could do that.

I love the entire state of Colorado.

But it’s not going anywhere.

I can’t sub here without jumping through hoops.  I can’t find a teaching job here, let alone any other kind of job.  I can’t really enjoy being here if I can’t make ends meet.

And I can’t forget that there are other cities in the country that have jobs, teaching jobs, and want people to relocate.

Like………………

Honestly, I seriously considered NOLA almost exactly this time last year.

That’s when I was also contemplating Chicago, or grad school, or Denver.

Some of my friends went to college in NOLA, some of them stayed, all of them told me to go to there.

“It’s too damn hot!” I said.

“NOLA needs teachers,” they said.

“I love NOLA, don’t get me wrong, but really?”

“Really.”

I’ve been thinking about NOLA a lot lately.

The gusband just got back from a Father’s Day Family Vacay in NOLA, and while I have been considering NOLA for a few months now, he made me consider it more seriously.

It’s a bit like Denver:

Pedestrian and biker friendly

Fabulous music scene

Cultured

Comparable cost of living

Liberal

Grassroots-y

I think I could dig it……..

And most importantly THEY NEED TEACHERS!!!!!!

So, I’ve been looking into it.

I’ve missed the deadline for teachNOLA’s 2011-2012 semester, but there are a lot of other schools hiring.  They don’t have half as many restrictions as Denver because, my god, thousands of people never came back to NOLA while thousands of people relocate to Denver constantly.

So, y’all… Now that I’m not screaming fuck in every other sentence, wanna offer up some thoughts?

Don’t worry.  I won’t make the same mistake I made last time:  moving to a new city without having a job.  Luckily, in NOLA I have free places to stay if I get interviews.  If I’m living rent-free, I won’t be locked into a lease or have to worry about moving before I run out of money (like I did last time).

Basically, I’m running out of resources in Denver (financial and friendly), and I’ve never been offered free rent (that wasn’t in middleofnowherebumblefuck Woodward, America); so I have to wonder how I can pass that up….

I feel like I did my best to become the best I am capable of becoming in Denver.

I chatted up some of my teacher-friends here last night, and they weren’t too optimistic about the job market.

On the flip side, things look reeeeeaaaaal nice in NOLA…….

Well, everything except the weather…. Ha!

The humidity may kill me, but right now, I’m not seeking comfortable climate; I’m seeking easy employment 🙂

Whit

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” -Albert Einstein

I’m back from “vacation.”

But, y’all, I got some problems.  Some big.  Some small.  And they’re about to overwhelm all of the good that occurred during my “vacation.”

Since I want life in general to end on a happy note, let’s start with the bad and finish with the better.

I have $625 in my bank account.

I haven’t bought any groceries since I’ve been back.  This is Friday night, and I haven’t spent a dime since Tuesday when I bought gas for the road trip back to Colorado.

I’m eating frozen meats and grains from my cupboard.  Hell, it’s an excellent way to lose the 10 (inevitable) pounds I gained on “vacation.”

But I am scared.  Scared because my $675 rent is due July 1st.  My $100 car insurance is due the 5th, and my $233 car payment is due the 13th.  I won’t mention the dollars needed to pay for little things- electric, pet insurance, Netflix, groceries, dog food, gas -in the meantime.

Scary.  Fucking scary.  I’ve sold everything I can sell, besides furniture.  I’ve applied for 20+ jobs in the last 4 days.  I’ve exhausted all of my leads and hit up all of my friends for leads.

The shit part is that I thought I was coming home to a job.

Oooops.  Didn’t come through….

It’s not like I spent a lot on “vacation.”  I “made” $200, and I spent about that much.

I’m just fucked.

If I got evicted, I wouldn’t even have the money to rent a truck to move my stuff……………

booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

On top of that, my bestsisterfriend is royally pissed at me.  I wore out my welcome by treating her home as mine (on vacation): I stayed out late, slept late, and left Bea when I went out.  Although this is how I roll every time I stay with her, and even though I am quiet as a mouse, clean up after myself, and refrain from raiding the fridge, she felt taken advantage of this time.

I can’t imagine having 2 kids right now.  I can imagine that having 2 kids at 28 is similar to having no kids or spouse or job at 28 = stressful, lonely, confusing, oddly rewarding, oddly degrading…..  Just a guess.

Regardless, the trip ended on a sour note, and I don’t really know how to resolve it.  It was weird.

And to really cement this as the most bizarre “vacation” ever, my family is more dysFUCKEDUPtional than ever.

21 year old lesbian sister reveals that babydaddy has another son 6 months older than her son.

19 year old recent grad sister is back in therapy for eating disorder.

Both refuse to talk to Dad….. Why?

Well, looks like Dad may have been involved in a scandal 10 years ago (that I may have witnessed/known about), and it came back to haunt him (ie: fired him from his job).

Super fun stuff, eh?

Alright, alright.  Here’s some actual fun stuff…

I got in Thursday night to an empty house.  It was the first time I ever came into town at a decent hour, 6:30 pm.  The friemly were out of town, so I watered the plants, fed the fish, and played with the dogs.  I could already feel the oppressive Okie heat, but the worst part was the bugs!  I had forgotten about bugs: flies, mosquitos, fleas, TICKS! Fuckaround.  I was bit 4 times in the first hour.

Being completely alone upon returning home gave me the silly, eerie feeling that maybe something had been planned for me.  See, I’ve always wanted a surprise party.  Austin (gusband/husbandit) kept calling/texting to check on my whereabouts, and I thought, “Wow.  I’m not here for my birthday.  I’ve always wanted this. Everyone is “gone.” Yeah, right.”

I cleaned myself up a bit and got ready to go see my friends do comedy, and Austin called to ask if I’d share his shift meal at work.

“Oh my god…. This is it,” I thought, “I’m gonna get surprised!”

Then, I realized that I had just gotten stoned for the first time all day……

No surprise party.

Oh, well.  I got a good dinner.

I checked out the comedy show a bit too late, so I met up with my babybrotherbear for a drink.

Then, Austin met me back at the house.

The next day, my marathon eating began.  (I think I had sweet tea every day!)

Mutt's AMAZING Hot Dogs are amazing!

Friemly got back in town that night, and I played with the kids the next day.

Also, later in the day, Bea and I got to play “shop girls” with ShanBanan at DNA.  Oooh! And we ate BIG Truck for lunch.  Oh, and we went to the scariest thrift store in OKC (literally the scariest – you feel like you’ll be murdered at any moment and they make it into a haunted house every Halloween yet never really take down any of the decorations), and I got to have this conversation:

“Do you let your dog wear clothes?”

“Um (laughing), no.”

“Well, what about jewelery?” (pronounced jew-ree)

“No.”

“Hmmm.  Take my card.  He needs a little sundress or necklass don’t he?”

“Yep.  He sure does.  Thanks for the card.” I need proof this ever happened.

Card =  hot pink and cut (ahem) on the bias

Reads =

GINGER’S PUPPY COTTAGE

Nanita

Chihuahua Puppies for Sale

Small Dog Clothes and Jewelery (jew-ree?)

for Dogs and Puppies YES! Custom Made

www.gingerspuppycollage.com

That was her nickname in high school.

Sunday was a holy day, so of course we went to worship.

Monday, I went out and about with my madre.

She almost bought this little hat for me. Thankfully, she didn't.

She brought me my record player, and I picked up some $1 vinyl at Guestroom.

That night, Austin and I tried to party the night away, but I was tired.  At least we got a good photo sesh in…

We seriously took pics for about an hour. . . Good times!

The next day, I entered Grey Gardens for the first time. . .

Yep, that's a tennis court. Yep, that's a tree.

Austin has done A LOT of work.  Really.  His “wing” of the house looks pretty good.  His bedroom is super cute, and he even has a room for the Sugar Gliders.

Okay, so the glider room is scary…

Truly, the best part of my first real look into Grey Gardens was the scavenging.  I really should have looked at more furniture and whatnot, but I DID delve deep into Grandma Modjeska’s closets.  I was determined to find something Amy Sedaris-esque for my photo shoot later that evening, and I think I did well.

The closets were in chronological order: 60s to 90s.  And Grandma Jet and I happen to be the exact same size!  I got some gaudy hair clips, a bracelet, a dress, and a polyester pantsuit.  Plus, we found countless items that must be repurposed by a certain ShaylaSheenaShawntella……

Oh lawd, then we went to Good Gravy…. And it wasn’t good at all…..

 Oh, yeah.  The place smelled like sewage.  Just awful………

Next, I was off to the photo shoot.  I was actually nervous because I don’t much like the looks of myself.  But…..

The amazing Kristen of Stella Shot Me and The Sabbatical did an amazing job, huh? My favorite part about the whole experience is that ALL of these pics were taken in my old ‘hood. Masquerade costume shop is directly across the street from a house I pretty much grew up in.

The second best part is that I FINALLY got to meet Kristen and give her the gift she won in my GIVEAWAY. We went to a cute, new bar and she (graciously) bought my broke ass some drinks. I ran into some old friends while we were there, and right in that moment, I got homesick.  And I was home!

It’s just something special. . . knowing folks.

Next came the anti-bachelorette party that I had been planning this whole time. We made the Jew a collage, because she always made them for us. I made the Jew a personalized closet/laundry help station with pins, buttons, needle and thread.

The “party” idea was tough. I had 2 married mommies, 1 bride-to-be, 1 just-engaged, 1 gay, and me.  Unfortunately, I planned the party around the mommies. It was lame: drink and eat dinner at the house, go see Bridesmaids, go bowling at Red Pin, go home. 4 hours total, door to door.

Seems flawless, boring, but flawless, no? Well, I guess not. 1 mom couldn’t show up on time, making most late for the movie. The other mom left after the movie. I left the movie 2 minutes early (missing what I heard was a hilarious ending) to inform the bowling alley that we were on our way, and I got a message saying that the alley was experiencing some sort of malfunction and we wouldn’t be able to keep our reservation.

Shitty.

Oh, and I made fun party favors with movie candy and cute socks. And nobody ate their candy or took their socks.

We did, however, take some fun pics. We even recreated one from TomKat’s wedding a few years prior.

The next day, I went to a fancy country club pool with the recently engaged Bodemonster. I’m pretty sure I got skin cancer.

Saturday was my nephew’s 1st birthday party. Lots o’ weirdness, but look at this cuteness…..

Later, we gathered for the Jew’s nuptials. The crazy crew met at Matt&D’s for pre-partying and car drop-off, and then we hit the road to Guthrie.

The wedding was at a creepy Masonic (old) home for children, and there were creepier statues of children all around a beautiful (creepy) garden…..

We are weirdos

Of course the party continued into the night at Matt&D’s.  Our fearless Chef Thomas went out into the treacherous ‘hood to fetch us delicious Bobo’s.  We stayed up ’til 5 am. And the next morning afternoon, I woke up at Grey Gardens.

That night, Austin and I had an authentic 1950s style date.  We ate ice cream cones from Braums (Okie-Thing) while we sat in the car listening to oldies.

The next day, I packed up and moved to Grey Gardens for my last night in town.  When I arrived, the eldest Harkey boy greeted me with a big bowl-full of juice.  That’s right.  He drinks juice from a bowl. What of it?

When Austin got home, we ate our last supper: Bueno (Okie-Thing).

I woke up the next morning to an angry message from my bestsisterfriend.  Dealt with it the best I could, and while on the road, for 10 hours straight, I never ate a single bite or listened to a single tune.

I was wrong in thinking that I could solve a few of my problems by dwelling on them for the duration of my drive.  I created some of them.  And the more I dwell on those and others that I can not actually control, the less likely I will be able to solve the BIG riddle that has become my life.

*****

Coming home (Denver) is usually really sad.  Actually, I haven’t even unpacked yet.  But once I unloaded the car and got settled, I checked the mail and the web, and I found 2 perfect homecoming gifts… Both dedicated to this here bloggy.

Kristen posted some of my pics in an album named after DSW.

And these little gems came all the way from Seattle.

*****

I don’t want to be in OK, but man!  I know I’d have a job and a free place to live (albeit, Grey Gardens)….  I don’t want to live there.  I want to live here.  But I want some more stability. I need a job.  I need money.  I need help.

This is a cry for help……………………………………………………..

helphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelp

Whit

P.S. I have to wear a jacket (and no bug spray) when I take Bea out for evening walks IN THE SUMMER, and that just can’t be beat 🙂

“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.” -Russell Baker

First thing’s first!

Who wins the glorious giveaway?!?!  Well, I didn’t get a lot of feedback, so I’m just going with my original winner.  Kristen of The Sabbatical wins this homemade cold/heat pack!  I picked Kristen because I began reading her blog last year, now she reads mine, yet we’ve never EVER met each other, and we’re both from Oklahoma!  So, I’m giving this to Kristen in hope that I can finally meet her!  Hey, Kris!  I’ll be in the 405 June 2nd through the 14th.  Let’s meet up for a drink and I’ll give you your prize!

Homemade, DIY giveaway!!!!

It’s about a foot long and can be molded to comfort any area of the body.  I’ll include heating and cooling instructions with it!

Alright!  Next thing’s next!

Have I told you how excited I am to get 10 whole days at home?!  Well, I am.  Everything is superb with the gusband.  He just called to tell me, “I’m ready for you to be here!!” Oh, that makes my heart feel so, so good.  I love that he’s back to “normal” again and calling me at all hours of the day.  Today, I woke up to this voicemail from him:

“Is your phone off?  Do you need money?  Call me!  I’ve been at the Hilo… (redacted info)…  Call me!  Why aren’t your phone working?”

Hilarious!  And oddly appropriate since I was sending him messages like this for months!  Ha

We’ve planned to eat tons of food (like we do), and I’ve gotten my weight down to 136 lbs so that I can gain 5 lbs of bad, Southern, junk food and not regret it.  136 is HUGE for me!  “Huge” meaning awesome.  My goal weight now is 130 lbs, but back in 2009, it used to be 135 lbs.  So, to recap my weight loss success:

May 2007 = 168 lbs

Aug 2007 = 148 lbs

2008-2009 = 148 lbs

May 2010 = 145 lbs

Aug 2010 = 140 lbs

March 2011 = 145 lbs

May 2011 = 136 lbs

**Aug 2011 = 130 lbs** Wishful thinking!

But I’m not thinking about that too much while I’m home.  We’re going to indulge in hot dogs, tacos, and gravy.  Yes.  Gravy.  The gusband has informed me that there’s a new restaurant called Good Gravy, and they boast about having 4 TYPES OF GRAVY!! Totally reminds me of this!  Can NOT wait!

Finally, last thing’s last!

Y’all, trust your intuition.  Gotta start with that……………………..

See, I’ve been on 3 awesome, amazing, spectacular, memorable, and fun First dates.  3 first dates that never transpired into anything.  3 first dates that coulda/shoulda/woulda been perfect memories if they had become awesome, amazing, spectacular relationships….  But they didn’t.

1st:  “Hey, you wanna come over and listen to vinyl and drink hot tea on my balcony?”  Sure, beautiful boy.  I would love too.  Oh, you have a girlfriend.  Cool.

——Unfortunately, that discovery came at the END of the night.

2nd: “Hey, you wanna go to a vineyard, then dinner?  I’ve brought champagne, and glasses, and here’s an itinerary of our evening!”  Sure, old man.  I would love too.  Oh, you’re 15 years older than me and a drunk.  Cool.

——Unfortunately, that discovery came two weeks later.

3rd: “Hey, I brought you flowers, you wanna go to dinner and a concert?”  Sure, seemingly perfect gentleman.  I always thought I’d marry the first guy to bring me flowers, since I’ve only ever received them from my parents.  Oh, and you’re actually taking me on a “real” date?  Dinner and a show?  You’re funny and employed and you have friends?  Cool!

——Unfortunately, I knew something wasn’t right.  He was “everything” I was looking for – willing to make plans, totally into me, has a great group of friends, brought me flowers, checked in without being overbearing, TOTALLY INTO ME – still, I was apprehensive.

Welp, 3rd date rolled around, and I was still optimistic.  He took me to a bbq.  He didn’t introduce me to anyone.  He kept bragging about his Macn’Cheese.  He reminded EVERYONE of how drunk he got last year.  He admitted to having one DUI under his belt (my Kryptonite).  He tried to convince me that he “used to” have a drinking problem as he chugged a handle of Jim Beam.  And then he passed out, mid-conversation, and “slept” for 2 hours.  Outside.  At a bbq.  At a crowded park.  And while EVERYONE was drinking and having a good time, he was the only one, out of 20+ people aged 18-50, he at 34 years old, passed out drunk at 3 pm.

Story of my fucking life!

So, even if he gets some things right, like purple roses, tulips, and white mums (some of my faves), doesn't mean he's a keeper.

Trust your instincts, y’all.

I know I always will.  And if that means I end up alone, at least I don’t end up with regret.

I’m headin’ out to enjoy and soak up the warm sun, 70 degrees, and a cool breeze while I can.  I know I won’t want to even step foot outside while in OK!

Whit