“I feel like a delusional, invisible person half the time.” -Lena Dunham, ‘Girls’

Stolen from the poster for ‘Tiny Furniture’ and tweaked

I think I’ve finally figured out that this week (the 2nd in my row of birth control pills; 2nd week in cycle?) is my PMS time.  I figured this out because I’m eating more than usual, more sad than usual, and this post was written a month ago today.

I’m kind of a crazy person.  And I’ve been watching stupid movies and shows that make me feel crazier and normal-er, and then, I feel crazy again.  I feel like I’m such a weirdo, no wonder people don’t like me.  Then, I feel like I’m just as weird as anyone else, so why wouldn’t people like me?!  Then, I see the most beautiful, normal girl riding her bicycle, and I realize, “Shit.  If she roams these streets, I’m doomed to be alone forever.”  Then, I think about becoming a lesbian.  Then, I realize I’m just premenstrual.

*Sidebar: As we were leaving a party, a guy actually hugged both of the girls I was with and said, “I love hugging beautiful women!” Then, shook my hand and said, “Goodbye.”)

I haven’t really written to you in almost 2 weeks.  Yes, posts have been started and stopped.  I wanted to write about the first Jazz in the Park, about my cousin getting the shit beat out of him, about hiking, about boot camping, about trivia, about my Ray Bradbury passing, about free drinking at a weird bar in Denver, about gay pride (a 2-hour parade, a 2-hour parade)…………………. But, alas, I did not.  Feel free to just ask me a question about any of  the above topics.

I will tell you that today was my last day of summer school, and I’m really sad about it.  I’ve been on a roll, getting up before 8 every day for the last 19 days (weekends even).  I am the complete opposite of a morning person, and maybe because it’s been 81 degrees by 7 am, and maybe because I’m desperate for a sense of purpose, I have been waking before my alarm.  It’s happened multiple times in the past month, even after nights of drinking.  The most upsetting part about today was that I had to move out of school.  This school I’ve been in for almost a year is no longer my school.  That sucks.  I still hold on to the hope that one of the idiots in my department will leave (since they can’t shut up about wanting to leave), and I will have a place there.

I will tell you that I got summoned for jury duty.  This is something I’ve wanted ever since I can remember!  Oddly enough, a lot of people I know have been summoned lately.  And I’ve been jealous of them.  It’s a perfect opportunity for a smart person who does not have a full-time job. Yes, I think I’m smart.  No, I do not have a full-time job.  PERFECT!  I hope they pick me.  I will not pull a Liz Lemon  

I will tell you that my car is currently in the shop.  Yes, again!  It’s overheating.  There’s a new light flashing on the dash.  The AC has quit.  It continues to be the bane of my existence.  Fuck it.  We’re not gonna talk about it or think about it until I actually know what the problem is and how much it’s gonna cost.  Just, please, say a lil’ prayer/send out the positivity/total my car for me so it just goes away.

I will tell you that I got a part-time job for an author/doctor, and while I really am excited about this, my car-drama (not karma) is making me apprehensive.  See, part of the time, the job will be outside of Denver (i.e. car = necessary).  Other than ALL of that bullshit, the job will be good.  Part of the time, I will be able to work from home.  The author/doctor writes about daughters of narcissistic mothers.  Uh, hello?  I will be her personal assistant and in charge of social media.  She blogs and hosts on-line forums, and I already know she “gets me.”  She could be a very important person for me to know for soooooooo many reasons…  That’s all I’m gonna say about that for now, other than, I start on Thursday.

I will tell you that due to new job, I have had to forgo 3 boot camp sessions.  This pisses me off, but only because I’m a whiny baby.

I will tell you that my 30th birthday extravaganza is GO!  My gusband really came through!  BUT how will I really be able to afford my portion by Labor Day?!?  More on that soon… I’ll just give you a two-word hint……………   SOUTHERN DECADENCE

It will happen.

Whit

“What kind of bird are you?” -Sam Shakusky, ‘Moonrise Kingdom’

Loads to write about, to tell you about, but those posts are just kinda spinning right now…

I just wanted to quickly share something beautiful…

I finally found Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom in a theatre in Denver (since it’s limited release confused the hell outta me).  I’d been waiting for this film for months, and I was good about not reading/watching anything that would spoil it for me.

It’s playing (maybe just for this weekend) at one of the neat, old theaters in town; so I loaded up the big purse with a seltzer water, grapes, pretzels, and almonds and took myself to a cheap matinee!

I won’t ruin anything for you, and if you wanted to be wow-ed when you see it, avert your eyes now.  I’ll just say it’s a beautifully sweet story that is visually stimulating (as all Anderson films are), and it’s one of those tales that makes you feel good about how weird you are.

Whit

“The worst stuff you say sounds better than the best stuff that some other people say.” -Lena Dunham, ‘Girls’

I have been BOOT CAMPED!

So this morning started off quite nicely; I got up with the alarm (instead of the snooze) at exactly 6:45.  I planned/set out my coffee, breaky, snack, waters, clothes, bag of clean clothes, and CamelBak.  I had directions in 2 forms (as I’ve only driven myself out to Red Rocks maybe twice).

Since I’m not really used to being early or on time, I piddled when I shouldn’t have.  I needed thirty minutes to get out there, but I wanted to be early.

I started to get all neurotic and anxious (like I do).  I didn’t know 100% on my own how to get there, who I was looking for, who I would talk to, how people would act, what people would wear, if I could handle it, or what I’d be expected to do exactly.  I was a mess.

I got in the car and the directions didn’t really make sense to me.  Then, I hit a detour that took me for a literal loop.  Then, I began to second-guess myself; so I turned around multiple times.  Turns out, my directions were completely legit.

Once I got to the park, I just had to kind of guess where to go.  When I finally found people, there were hundreds of people.  I asked around, “Where’s the Red Rocks boot camp?” and I heard, “Well, there’s one right there, over here, and up there.”

Awesome.

I thought I had finally found the right one, but it definitely wasn’t.

Advantage:  this boot camp is FREE (fucking f-r-e-e) and it occurs every Saturday and Sunday morning.

Catch:  it’s 3 hours long (and most of the participants are fucking ripped… pure muscle)

But there were some giant, soft people as well; so I saddled up.

This is high-altitude shit, and my lungs were burning, but I enjoyed it.  Some the activities were weird, and now I know why everyone was wearing gloves (my palms have road-rash), but I kinda wanna go back tomorrow.

My knees are a lil’ sore from running the stairs, and there’s definitely some exercises I know I can’t/shouldn’t do due to the bad knees, but I’m down for the fun of it. And because the group’s so big, you can always step out for a minute or more. Everyone was actually really nice and upbeat. I hated them and their positivity for about 5 minutes around minute #30 of the stair-run-of-doom, but I did actually appreciate it in the end.

I only stayed for 90 minutes today because that’s what I was expecting, and I was a lil’ shaky from lack of carbs this morning, but now I do know what to expect and I like it.

Plus, once I got back home, the sky got super overcast (like, it’s literally been dark outside for the last 3 hours), yet when I was in the Rocks, the sun was bright and shining and beautiful! I can’t say enough how much I l-o-v-e Colorado’s weather!  I’m having a love affair with Vitamin D, y’all! This may be the first summer I have an actual tan! I got the best of both worlds today, weather wise.

If you wanna know more about this insanity, check out this cool write-up.

***

I’ve been really proud of my eating habits this week, and I was holding out on trying a new recipe until last night.  I knew I’d be staying in on a Friday, going to bed early, and getting up early today for a physical challenge; so I wanted to have a yummy dinner.

I wanted meat and potatoes, damn it!  So I made the panko-baked chicken I already told you about here, and I just had to try this potato recipe that I don’t even know how I found.  I only chose it because it had few ingredients and a kickass name:  Crash Hot Potatoes.  I’m not proud that I got it from this person, mostly because I think she’s kinda lame, but hotdamn, these potatoes are uh-mah-zing!

I made 4 (2 for leftovers), and I topped them with minced garlic before they hit the oven. They kinda fell apart, but still delish!!!

Don’t worry!  No ranch dressing was used last night!  I was, however, quite generous with the 0% Greek yogurt!  Speaking of, y’all stick it on your feet yet?  I swear, it’s awesome.  Just did it again after my OK trip, and I’m telling you, after 5-10 minutes, you can see a difference!

***

Ya know, this actually should’ve been a PMSpost.  ‘Tis the week, but dude, I feel like I might’ve gotten it early…  Say, the week I possibly ruined a good relationship?  Weird.  And last week is when I ate like it was going out of style…..  No one told me my body would freak out at thirty, but I’ve always been an early bloomer….

I feel good this week.  I like that.  I’ve done things that make me feel accomplished.  I have nothing to feel guilty about this week. I mean, I only had 3 drinks at Trivia (as opposed to my normal 5 or 6 or 7), and they were 2 G&Ts and a tiny, cute-can beer (as opposed to my normal 5 or 7 cute-can beers)!

YEA to positive mental health, even if it is sporadic!

Whit

PS:  If you’re not watching Girls, fucking start!

“I use myself as material because that’s what I’ve got.” -Fiona Apple

K. I think we’re ready to talk about the past week………………
(this post has taken me 3 days to write, due to wonky computer, and because I’ve just kind of been stream-of-consciousness writing)

*
My flight to OKC was fucking scary. Well, what led to it and what actually occurred were all fucking scary.

You know how they say you’re more likely to die on your drive to the airport than in the plane? Yeah, totes coulda happened… My friend was not even close to being ready to go when I got to her house. In fact, she had just poured herself a glass of wine. It had been raining for the last 2 hours, and it was beginning to become a full-out thunderstorm.

Finally, in the car, she decides to make a call regarding an upcoming trip of her own, but she wasn’t sure about the dates; so she’s fucking talking AND looking through her calendar ON HER PHONE while driving in Denver traffic in the rain. Awesome.

By now, I’m a bundle of nervy nerves AND she won’t let me smoke a cig in the car. So I get in the airport, wade through security, stand in lines, wait entirely too long for “fast” food, and finally find the bar/smoking lounge. Well, it took a whole American Spirit before I ever got my $6 Coors, meaning I had to chug the beer and bolt to the plane.

I wasn’t the very last to board, but everyone was seated and buckled when I got on.

Advantage: entire row to myself!

Thought things were looking up, and then I saw lightning and heard thunder.

The plane-people said it would be very bumpy as we entered OK’s wind that literally sweeps down PLANES. And I just prayed for the drink-cart to hurry.

Nope. No drinky for nobody. Too turbulant.

Motherfucker.

I needed it the most and couldn’t have it.

But… I lived. I landed. I demanded a first stop at the Hilo when my gusband picked me up!

*
The next day, the gusband and I bought groceries and ate lunch at Mutt’s (an awesome, local hotdog joint). Then, I had to get ready for the graduation of my last group of students in OK. The gusband’s new place is really wonderful, he’s living with a friend of ours from high school.  She owns the house and has put a lot of work into it.  I felt like I really was having a vacation in a nice place!  The gusband, however, is totally fine with being sweaty and hot.  Frank (the roommate/owner) and I are not!

I hadn’t seen Frank yet, due to her totally opposite schedule of the gusband’s, so I didn’t know that the AC was okay.  The gusband kept it off, and I sweat through my dress as I was trying to get ready for the graduation.

Some former colleagues picked me up, and we went to a local Mexican restaurant for dinner.  It was just a short walk away from the grad spot.  Very nice.

The graduation was teary.  I taught every single one of those graduating seniors for 2 years.  At this point, I hadn’t seen any of them in 2 years; and it was amazing how much they had changed yet stayed the same.

Some had babies.  Some had arrests.  But some were Gates millenium Scholars, and one got a full-ride to Rice.

It was so nice to talk with them and former colleagues and know that I made some sort of impact on a few.

When I was dropped off back at the vacation home, Frank was nowhere in sight but the AC was blasting (thank Jah).

*
I hollered at some former students (way former, 23-years-old-former), and we made plans to meet up for drinks.  The gusband joined us, and we really had a good time.  I love seeing where my kiddos are headed.  I don’t think I’ll ever have the kind of adult-friendship I have with my first group of students (simply because that’s the last time I’ll be that close in age to them).

*
The next day, I really did nothing.  The gusband and I made and ate food, he got ready for work, I showered, and I sat on the porch for the next 7 hours.  One of my fav former students stopped by for a bit in the early evening, and then the friend I’ve known the longest stopped by for a nightcap.

*
Saturday was reserved for time with the MOMster in the early afternoon and Paseo Fest!!!  The ma and I had a good lunch and got in some unnecessary shopping.  When I got back to the house, dranks were flowin’ and people were Fest-ing.

I got some goodies from myGirl’s booth, drank too much, saw some friends, and just relaxed.  So nice…

*
Although the gusband and I bought healthy food, I hadn’t been so healthy in the week leading up to the trip, and we made the cookie-brownie things, and I ate maybe half of them.  Therefore, I totally gained 10 pounds in about a week.

Sinfully delicious brownie-cookiemonsters (or crownies).
http://chocolateandcarrots.com/2011/03/crownie-cookie-brownie

The flight home wasn’t as scary, but I was sad to leave.  When I got home, I kinda moped around.  I did buy groceries, and I totally stocked up on healthful ingredients.  I don’t know what it is, but I tend to really lose focus one week a month.  My metabolism is slowing and the birth control pills are really working, so I totally need to cool it on my 1-week-long binges.  It’s just so hard to prevent in OK.

*
I started summer school on Tuesday, and it’s a lot of work (3 hours of class a day for 15 days).  But I’m only teaching 2 students, so at least it won’t be a ton of grading.  But I keep waking up to my alarm and thinking, “Where the hell do I have to be?!”

*
I haven’t been working out as much, because I’ve been lazy and because I’ve been doing other things, but I have been doing sit-ups and push-ups because I can watch computerTV at the same time and no one can see me do them.

I prepped all my veggies and fish and good things for easy dinners and lunches.  The most difficult part was cleaning the tons o’ greens AND waiting for them to dry before storing back in the fridge.  Seriously, took fo-evuh!
But I’ve made the most fabulous dinners this week to keep me happy and to flush all the fat I consumed last week:

The best fucking salmon I’ve ever made! Marinated in soy sauce, garlic, and agave for an hour; folded in foil; and baked at 350 for 25-30 min.

Roasted beets, parsnips, and turnips!

3-2-1 cake (or as I like to make it, 6-4-1 cake) with strawberries! Recipe: all over Pinterest and here http://www.food.com/recipe/3-2-1-cake-455416
The one above is chocolate, but I just bought a spice cake mix to try next! YEA!

My new favorite thing: KALE CHIPS! Holyfuckingshit! So good! A lil’ time consuming to make, but totally worth it! Love ’em the most!!  And they look like foliage!  Hot.

*
Last night was trivia, and we got 2nd place, which means $15 tab!  Yea! Even though one of my teammates I‘m starting to hate changed 2 of my correct answers to wrong answers.  Fucker.

*
I’m a lil’ freaked out again about my budget.  Sucks because I thought I had the summer covered with my summer-school job.  Turns out, I actually do have money until August 1st, but even if when I get a full-time teaching job for August, I won’t get my first paycheck ’til October 1.  Whole lotta bullshit…

*
Okay… I guess that’s it….  I’m going to watch The Wire (my new distraction) and prepare my mind and body for tomorrow’s 7am bootcamp at Red Rocks!  Sheesh!  More on that, plus other musings, tomorrow… hopefully.

Whit

“Isn’t love beautiful when it’s gross?” -Fred Armisen’s Lawrence Welk, SNL

You’ve gotta love it when you’ve got good friends who live close.  You’ve gotta love it when someone wants to see you, hang out with you.  You’ve gotta love it when you can tell those friends, “I don’t have any money; I’m not putting on make-up; I’m gonna look gross because you guys don’t care, but I don’t wanna see anyone else.”  You’ve gotta love it when they say, “Not a problem!  When can you be here?!”

I have that.

I hope you do too.

It took everything I had to crawl outta the cave that was my bedroom. I managed on Saturday.  I did not move on Sunday.  And it came down to me flipping a coin cellphone chapstick from my bed 9 times (for the best odds, ya know) to “decide” whether or not I would leave the house yesterday.  All I needed had to do was go for a long walk.  I needed the exercise, vitamin D, and the UV rays.  But it seriously took me 2 hours to even start flipping shit.

Once I got up and movin’ (3:45), all was good.  I was happy.  I SAW A GAGGLE OF BABY GEESE!  A fucking gaggle!

Ho my gawd!

And on my way home, someone I’ve known half my life (gack) called to invite me to hang out.  I had just been chatting with his better half earlier in the day, and while I didn’t want to make any more effort than what it would take to drive 30 miles, I wanted to see my people.

The drive to Boulder from Denver is really pretty at sunset.  I had the Grateful Dead goin’.  I was wearing comfy pants, comfy shoes, no make-up, just a smile.

We Mike grilled salmon burgers and asparagus, and we sat around drankin’ and hangin’.  And it was good.

Kim and I got girltime at breaky this morning, and I just love the lifelong friend I’ve found in her! <gladiolas>

***

I fly to the 405 tomorrow.  And.  I.  Hate.  Flying.

I wish I had ahold of some Xanax (the only way to fly), but it’s a super short flight.  And.  I.  Will.  Be.  Drinking.

Enough on that ’cause I ain’t tryin’ ta jinx it.

***

I’ll be flying back to a world of comfort like I felt last night, and that will get me there.

Now I’m going to get a ‘Hot & Ready’ pizza because I underestimated my meal plan by a couple of days.

It’s beautiful and gross.

Whit

“If there’s somebody you’ll love ’til you die, then all that jive talkin’ just gets in your eye.” -The Bee Gees’ “Jive Talkin'”

While I’m super down and out due to my own stupidity, I’m also quite crestfallen about the loss of 2 disco superstars.

I.  Love.  Disco.

Always have.

Always will.

And while I plan to stay locked in my bedroom until my flight out to OKC leaves Wednesday evening, we’re not gonna talk any more about my funk (the bad kind).

****

I’m just gonna take a few minutes to talk to you about how AMAZING Greek yogurt is.

(weird segue, I know)

Not only is fat-free Greek yogurt a great food for YOU, it’s also perfect for your pets, AND your skin!

My favorite mixed-with-stuff brand is Chobani.  I always add a lil’ extra cinnamon, though.  But recently I’d added cocoa powder to the blood-orange flavor, and it was super yum.

Now, I do the traditional plain yog + agave + cinnamon + nuts (or fruit, or whatever), but it’s perfect as sour cream, as well.  In a Mexican dish or on a potato or in a soup; wherever you would use sour cream!

My lil’ Beatrice gets about a teaspoon of plain yog after she goes potty.  It’s awesome for her little digestive system.

BUT DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN SMEAR IT ON YOUR FACE, FEET, OR HANDS?!?

It contains lactic acid.  It’s anti-fungal and anti-bacterial.  It will fight blemishes, sooth irritated or sunburnt skin, tighten your pores, and gently exfoliate like no other!

I began using it on my face after a bad sunburn last year.  Then, in the winter, my neck (of all things) gets super dry, and I began using it there.  Since I’ve been walking so much to prep for my 5K, my feet have gotten really dry.  So, I loaded up on the yog, and it’s like I just got a pricey pedicure!

****

So, Greek yogurt is the only thing “happy” that I could write about today, but I did it.  Hopefully, I opened your eyes to some of the amazing possibilities a lil’ tub of $2 stuff can do for your life.

If yogurt can make me write positively, it’s obviously awesome.

Whit

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” -Jerry Seinfeld

Happy 2nd Birthday to DamnedScribblingWoman.Wordpress.Com!

This is my 135th post.

I wish I was in a better, happier mindset to really celebrate.

I’m feeling wimpy, and all I can think about is that I seem to be in a shit-filled, cyclical pattern of terribleness.  I continue to write about the same things………  What’s the definition of insanity?  Repeat the same thing over and over yet expect different results?  Yep.  Sounds like me.

So, on this cold and rainy Saturday morning, while I sit in the dark taking solace only in this warm cup of coffee, I’ll try not to focus on the fact that I have no working lighters in the house, and I’ll rejoice in knowing that at least I have matches.

Ever tried to smoke a bowl with a match?  Hilarity ensues!

I’m gonna try to crawl outta my cave at some point today, spend money I don’t have, and take my mind off of everything.

But is that the real problem?  Do I ever really deal with my problems?

I thought I did.  I thought I analyzed the fuck outta everything.  I guess I do, but do I ever change?

I guess not.

Here’s to a 3rd year, Blog.  A year with change.  A year without defeating oneself.

Fuck.  Even as I write this, I doubt it.

Here’s to a year without doubt?  Trust everyone?  Delete negative thoughts?  Neglect cynicism?

Okay.  Sure.  We’ll go with that.

Happy Fucking Birthday.

Congrats on not ending up in jail, in the ground, or in an asylum. . .  yet.

Hey, at least I’ve finally gone a whole year without getting fired!!

Whit

“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.” -Khalil Gibran

Date #4 = Faliure

I was nervous.  I was worried about moving to the next level.  Just 6 hours ago, I was frantically skitting about my APT, cleaning, running out of time to clean all the things.  I was thinking tonight might be Sex Night.  I was nervous.

I thought I was ready for all this:  a guy who makes dates and likes me, has an interesting job, is “grown up” just enough.

Apparently, I was not.

I managed to do some light laundry and cleaning, but it was really hot in my APT, and I was losing time.  I wanted to make it all “right.”

I managed to clean myself, shaved all my parts, and find cute underwear, but the dirty dishes got hidden in the stove.

I managed to put together a decent enough outfit of jeans and a knit shirt, but it was just too hot.  It was cool outside, but in the house, where I’d been nervously primping myself, it was hot.

I was uncomfortable.

And all I wanted to do was smoke a cigarette.

And then I got weird.

Quiet.  Introspective.  Cold.  Disinterested.

So, I went outside.  I didn’t smoke.

Circus Boy was just arriving.

I didn’t know if we were “supposed” to kiss?

So, I didn’t even try.

God damn it.

He was flirtatious and awesome, and while we didn’t have a plan at first, he came up with something great.

It wasn’t what I expected, which was staying in my ‘hood, but I liked his idea.

Well,  I was feeling all of the aforementioned emotions and going out of my element/changing my expectation, but things were still “okay.”

Then, we entered our first destination, and every thing fell apart.

What WE were expecting wasn’t happening; so we changed locations, and every single thing had a weird vibe, which made us weird.

AND I WAS STILL TOO HOT, UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY CLOTHES, SUPER NERVOUS, AND WAY UP INSIDE MY HEAD ABOUT  A MILLION DIFFERENT THINGS.

The next, and final, location was full of sensory overload and drunk people.  This is not the typical scene for either of us, but I think we were both trying.

Then, we went to move the car, and as we’re clearly moving back towards my comfort zone, he says something that I’ve often heard but will never cease to piss me off:

“So….  I really can’t believe you used to do stand-up.  I’ve never even heard you say anything funny.”

Of course, at this point, the me people fear comes alive and just says, “Some people think I’m funny.”

My jokes aren’t ‘rim-shot funny.’  There’s little set-up and punchline.  It’s a story.  I tell you a story, and if you think it’s funny, you laugh.  Also, my stand-up material was a bit crass, and I don’t feel like making fun of abortion or rape until the 6th date.  Plus, I’m never gonna do a routine for you.  It’s not a show.

Here’s the other thing, it is my motherfucking nature to be reserved until I’m fully comfortable.  I’m congenial enough, and if you’re cool, after some time, you’ll see me act like a complete goofball.  Just give me some time.

Bottom line:  I cried.

Yep.  Ugly Cry cried.

It was so embarrassing.

He pulls up to my house, basically says it ain’t working, and I cried.

I cried because I just in that moment realized what I had done to set the whole thing into a downward spiral.

I cried because I needed to explain my stresses and worries.  I needed to tell him out hot I was!  Ha.  But seriously.  I was sweating…

I tried to make it better.  I really don’t think I came off as desperate, but the origin of a few of those tears was definitely that part of me that despised those tears.

We DID talk about stuff, but some of it was not positive.

He DID say some positive things, but I feel like I set it up and knocked it into no where.

I was feeling positive about this thing, but as soon as I began to doubt, it died.

I had faith that this thing could work, but as soon as doubt crept in, I let it consume me.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.

I need help, but how?

Ask?  Ask whom?

The person I chose to speak with about all this before writing about it was not the best choice, but he was the only one available to either redirect my thoughts and/or shed some light and my problems.

WARNING:  This may sound like the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, but trust me, it was a good experience.

The person I spoke to was the lack of interest.  Yup.  He had texted earlier about the THUNDER game while I was on the doomed date, and he lives next door, AND there’s no way in hell I’ll ever “hook up” with him again.

He was just there.

The last bit of the intense basketball game was on.

I got to change my focus.

Then, he made me talk.  Made me explain why I was teary-eyed and frustrated.  And sweating.

It was interesting, to say the least, to get a former mistake’s outlook on why I fuck up.

He was sweet, and he said some things that I already know, but it actually fucking helped!

We smoked cigarettes inside.  I stopped sweating.  And I walked back home.

I guess I’m glad I’m going on a mini-vacation next week.  More time to focus on why I do what I do…. repeatedly.

I might just have to get a lobotomy.

Whit

“A mind is a terrible thing.” -‘Dinner for Schmucks’

I’m not sure who was the first witty one to stop short on the famous idiom, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” but it was repeated in the funny film Dinner for Schmucks, which I watched last week.

My brain is my own worst enemy.  I’ll be the first to admit it.  I think you saw these stirrings in my last post, but I’ve attempted to resolve some of my issues this week by simply recognizing this…

Since I was a child, my dad has said, “You worry too much.”  Telling someone this does not make them stop worrying, and it could even make them worry more!  I’ve gotten so much better throughout the years (thanks MMJ), but as a Virgo, this is just my nature.

Like, for example, I’m sitting in a classroom right now (when I began this post), where the students are allowed to talk, and I’m going a little nuts.  I like order, and even though I try to avoid it, chaos reigns supreme.  But I do allow it.

If it’s work-related, I can stress it, and let it go.  When it’s my shit, it keeps me up at night.  Hell, some of my kiddo’s shit keeps me up at night too.

It’s a bit chaotic…

This is why I write.

***

Last night, all day yesterday, and today, my brain was battling me….

Do I call and ask Circus Boy out on a date (that I cannot afford)?  It’s my turn, right?  I need to be me:  the confident woman who asks a man out if she wants to see him.  No.  I want to be pursued.  I will wait.

Yea!  Waiting pays off!  Circus Boy texted me about Friday night plans!  I don’t have plans!  <an hour passes without hearing back>  I just seemed too eager.  That’s what you get!.  <thirty minutes later> Maybe this 30+ year old man isn’t sitting by his phone, playing a game.  That’s what I really want, anyway.

Sure enough, dude finally responds to establish plans for Friday, Date #4.

I’m just cautious.  Honestly, if dude vanishes next week, I wouldn’t be surprised.  It’s just what I’m used to.  I do, however, hope that he doesn’t vanish.  I’m not expecting the worst; I just know that it’s possible.  It helps.

See….. the last time I dated (actually dated) a man was a year before I moved to Denver.  It proceeded much like this burgeoning relationship has.  The second I let him “in” (i.e. he met my dad in the most casual way), he bolted.  And it broke me down.  I was surprised at how much it broke me.  It was mostly because I was hella confused, AND I HAD JUST GIVEN IN TO THINKING IT WAS “WORKING.”  After 2 months and multiple times hanging out with his huge family, I finally started to think he was trustworthy and stable. I was just getting used to him being mine.

Then…. just… gone.

This was not the first or last time something similar has occurred, so as you can see, I have my reasons.  And it’s just not in my character to give too much or take too much until someone shows me they’re ready to do the same for me.

***

Today, one of my favorite lil’ ones revealed to me that she tried to kill herself yesterday.

God damn it.

I had to go through a whole list of emotions in my mind and then, spit them back at her in the most supportive, serious, loving, concerned, stern, and QUIET way possible.

I had to share the story of my former student who told me exactly what the lil’ one said today BUT from a phone at a hospital.

I had to share that 2 of my friends and 1 acquaintance had ended their lives in the last 5 months, and they all left behind confusion and heartache.

I had to share my own battle with depression with her.  I had to explain that she is normal for feeling this way, but she is healthy, beautiful, and full of potential.  Just like my friends, she has it all and she has the power to change anything that’s going wrong, maybe not today, but anything is possible.  Some people would be so grateful to have what they had, to have what she has.

I had to make her see that if 1 person would miss you, you have to stay.  If one person would be angry with you, you have to stay.  If you can hear your favorite sound every day, you have to stay.  If you love your dog, you have to stay.

***

While all of the above has weighed me down today, now that I’ve composed my thoughts, I do feel better.  I see that I need to keep on keepin’ on just like my lil’ one.

I’m not suicidal, but I have to strive to not be a defeatist, to not suicide-bomb my happiness.

I know that anything is possible….

Whit

“Restless, and in desperate need of adventure, I quit my job at an insurance company to travel West with a couple of guys I smoked pot with, scandalizing my family.” -Mink Stole

I feel very restless.

I’m mad that I didn’t pay attention to the school schedule when I booked my whirlwind trip home for next week.  I could have had a longer stay in OKC.

I’m scared that I won’t be returning to a job, but I know I’ll at least have one more pay check.  I also have almost a whole month’s rent in savings; so June will mean moving into my friend’s vacant APT for a month and a half and putting my stuff in storage OR somehow working it all out.  I really won’t know how all of this will go until June 1st.  And that scares the fuck outta me.  At least I have options!

I’m struggling with this thing in my head called my brain.  Not only am I worrying about all of the above, I’ve started seeing someone, and I don’t know what to think about it all.  I’ve never been lucky in love, and while I feel like it’s my turn, ya just never know.  This means I try not to get too invested, which can come off as cold.  I’m trying not to think about it and where it’s headed, and while the Gusband says, “Go with the flow and enjoy it!” I can try, but it’s not that easy.  I still don’t know why people stop liking me for no reason and vanish, and try as I might, I will always think it will happen again.  Shit, I can imagine being happily married and still thinking, “He’s gonna get tired of me and just split with no warning…”

What’s good?

I’ve been awesome with my budget for food, and I’ve been able to make a lil’ extra cash to supplement my budget.  Thank Jah for MMJ!! 😉

I’ve been walking a 5K almost every day and tracking it with MapMyRun.  It’s the same route I told you about a few days ago (around City Park).  It takes me an hour or less (and less and less the more I do it), and I’m able to spend some time alone with my music, nature, and vitamin D.  These big, white legs are seeing more sunshine than usual and loving it!

I’ve been eating more nuts than cheese (this really is an accomplishment).

I’ve been kissing ass at work to insure that no one forgets that I ain’t go no job!

I’ve been sleeping and eating well.

I’ve been smoking (all things) less.

I’ve been drinking a whole hell of a lot less.

I just feel a lil’ wonky, a lil’ off, a lil’ restless………………..

No biggie!

I’m just waiting for the next BIG thing (for better or worse)……………………..

Whit