“All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman, and a pretty girl.” -Charlie Chaplin

Last week was such a bust that I was very thankful to be employed to sub on Friday (even though Friday was my holiday).  I subbed for a Reading Intervention teacher, which means small classes and easily teachable assignments.  Of course, the kiddos were *talking* about the significance of 420, but I knocked them down a rung by reminding them it was the 13th memorial of the Columbine massacre.  I was only dreading one class of 6th graders, and when no one was present two minutes after the class should have begun, I was feeling very lucky.  I found another teacher and she explained that the 6th graders were having a party in the cafeteria.  So I spent the dreaded hour happily painting faces rather than wrangling immature butt-faces.

I was supposed to end the day with my work-friend and dranks, but she has a lil’ one and we can rarely keep our after-work plans.  I called another friend, and we went for $2 tumblers of wine (happy hour indeed) and played a game of Scrabble on a patio.  I ended the evening early and came home to a disgusting Beatrice who needed a bath immediately.  I have $30 to get me gas and groceries before next Tuesday; so I was happy to be tipsy and full of fellowship by 6:30 pm.

Saturday was reserved for a birthday in the park and Record Store Day.  I met some friends and we rode bikes to Cheesman Park where we met my Martha Plimpton lookalike for his Dirty 30.  We drank, smoked, played Smalley Ball and Beerminton, and enjoyed the sun.  Then, a few of us hopped on our bikes and headed to a record store where I found a best of the Beach Boys vinyl for $3.

Next, we got stoop-id by hanging on a friend’s porch ’til it got dark.  Now, these “friends” are quickly becoming my not-so-favorite people because they’re “drunk” after 2 drinks and either fighting or making out.  Annoying!

But, they live 4 blocks away and have dogs and a porch.  So………….

***

My new favorite things:
The League!
-Have you seen this show?  Super testosterone-driven but truly witty and fun.
1st PLACE!
-Again, I led my trivia team to a first place victory and 25 bar dollars.
Bananas?!
-I now know how to efficiently peel a banana like a primate.  I feel so smart every time I do it.
2 meals in 1!
-One day last week, I made too much quinoa and ground turkey mixture for the 2 tiny bell peppers I planned to stuff, cook, and freeze; so on Saturday morning, I scrambled up some eggs and added them to the quinoa mixture with a little low-fat cheese, avocado, and Louisiana hot sauce.  It was breakfast magic!
SKYPE!
-I know I’ve mentioned it before, but Skype is a god-send!  Austin and I were inspired by a recent ep of Happy Endings to have a Skype-table at his birthday party.  It was a huge hit!  It was so awesome to see all of my friemly!  I just wish I could have enjoyed all of the delicious-looking food!!!

Whit

“Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days.” -Todd Barry

I am so ready to be out of Limbo.

Yes.  I feel as though I’ve been on the edge of Hell for the past (almost) 2 years.

Since I was fired, everything has been up in the air.

I was raised poor, was a poor college student.  But when I began teaching professionally, I was able to keep my finances afloat.

For four years, I never overdrew.  I never wondered how I was going to make rent.  Sure, I wanted to go and do.  Sure, I wanted more than I had, but I was comfortable.

Happy?  Sometimes.

Affluent? Never.

Comfortable.

Now, every one should leave the comfort-zone occasionally.  And I do appreciate the last 2 years.  I live where I want.  And I’m still trying to do what I want.

But there is just so much uncertainty.

I love that the new HBO show GIRLS discusses life after college in our modern economy.

I know I’m not alone.  I just can’t wait ’til they deal with the problems of “where to find the money/path/route/means to success.”

I thought everything was working out:  I sub at the school I’ve been with since August; I get a somewhat set schedule; I put myself in the running for a possible job opportunity at this school.

But I’m still applying elsewhere, to no avail.

First-year-teachers are getting those jobs because first-year-teachers cost less than me.

A seemingly evil secretary is cock-blocking me at my school:  I had 3 sub jobs lined up this week ($300) and only found out at 7 am, while standing in the school’s office, that, no, someone else would be working that job instead of me.

No $300 for me.

My 401K is completely gone.

There’s only $400 available on my credit card.

So, what if I don’t have rent money in June?

Seriously, what?

I know I could couch hop, but where would all my stuff go?

I thought I had cemented a summer school job, but that may actually have been set in silly putty rather than cement.

“Well, I’ll offer it to the regular summer school teachers first.  Then, I’ll inquire about new positions.”

Thanks, Princi-PAL.  You told me 2 months ago it was mine.  Now, we’re a month away, and you still “don’t know.”

English teachers at my school talk of leaving, but I’ve played that game.  You’re not gonna go until you have something else set in stone. “You’ll be the first person I tell!”  Really?  We’ll see about that.

I want to be there.  Others don’t.  Give me my job!

***

So….. that’s where I’m at.  On the edge of hell.

With all of the insanity these few, short months of 2012 have provided….. I’m not surprised.

I am healthy.  I am (fairly) happy.  I get to see mountains every day.  Yea.

It’s always good to put the scary and the special in list form so as to not lose sight of ….. I don’t know…

SCARY:
-my computer is acting wonky and there’s no money for repair or new, unless it’s financed.
-evil secretary is making my life difficult while I’ve done everything to make her’s easier.
-my friend broke my french press; so I have coffee but no way to make it; no money to replace it.
-Beatrice has a poop butt; she needs a bath but our wonky weather makes me not want to do it; think car-wash.
-my landlord is weird; I want to move into my friend’s property; but I can’t make those decisions now.
-I booked a flight to OKC for my former students’ graduation, meaning I can’t take Bea, and I just found out I have no reason to rush it (which is why I’m flying); I hate flying; I hate leaving Bea; I hate that I’m making this trip short for no reason.

SPECIAL:
-food is good; I’m absolutely in love with my Crockpot; I love to eat; I love to cook; I still amaze myself in the kitchen.
-Chobani yogurt is a gift from the divine.
-a teacher went to bat for me yesterday in a BIG way; I love supportive colleagues!
-Beatrice has somehow gotten accustomed to my ever-changing schedule; such a trooper.
-my “stories” help me feel normal; I love TV without TV.
-TRIVIA!  I may have found an appropriate outlet for my brain.  I’ve got a new friend, and we’re a powerhouse.  Plus, the QuizMaster loves us.
-my workouts have been fun and I feel like I’m accomplishing things, even though there are no physical results.
-burpees might be my new favorite thing; yes, I’m apparently a masochist.
-Skype!  I’ve been skype-ing with my Gusband, and like he said, “It’s like you came over to hang out!” Special.

***

Look!  The pros outnumber the cons.  Go me!

Whit

“It’s not the large things that send a man to the madhouse. Death he’s ready for, or murder, incest, robbery, fire, flood… No, it’s the continuing series of small tragedies.” -Charles Bukowski’s “The Shoelace”

I flipped out at the self-checkout yesterday (a customer service assistant did NOT need to be notified).

I flipped out this morning when I thought I’d lost $600.

I flipped out when a driver cut me (a pedestrian) off and then yelled obscenities at me.

I flipped out when a 2×4 came flying off a 13-story apartment building directly towards where I was walking.

I flipped out when a friend lied to me, when a friend was an immature bitch to me, and when a friend wouldn’t answer his phone last week.

As of March 27th, three friends of mine have died.  Two of them chose to end their lives.  One of them chose to take other lives in the process.

Regardless, three people I knew and cared for are no longer here.  They left holes in our lives.  It totally sucks.

I ache for the families and spouses of my friends.

I don’t understand why Taylor and Dan chose to end their time here before experiencing 30 years.

Both had “every thing.”

*********

I’ve always loved the Bukowski poem (quoted above) because I’m really bad about over-emotionalizing things that aren’t important.  For example, I did not tell any of my co-workers about the losses I’ve experienced in the past 2 months.  Oddly, I under-emotionalize (yes, I’m making up words) things that are important.  For example, yelling at machines in public…

I think I just get to a point where the big things haven’t been discussed (I got it from my momma), and the little things build and build and I flip the fuck out.

I’m much better at this than my family is.  I’m much better at this than I used to be.  But when it comes to big things, I work it out, talk it out.  The little things are too trivial to talk about, and they just get to me.  I talk more, like I said, than I used to and my family of sweep-it-under-the-ruggers, but I don’t want to just bitch all the time.

I’ve gotten better at mixing in the good with the bad.  I’m not all gloom and doom, but I’m not all sunshine and rainbows.

Positive outlook, but realistic thinking.

*********

Wanna piss me off?

Say what my mom keeps saying when something bad happens to someone she knows.

“See you’re not the only one who has bad things happen to them!”

Believe that I know that.  I read the news.  I know people, too.

She just knows how to say the wrong thing at the wrong time…

But no one can deny that I’ve had a series of unfortunate events in the past two years.

There are highs, but there are a lot of lows.  The highs are due to my choices.  The lows, on the other hand………..

*********

I just can’t won’t refuse to comprehend why Lindsay Lohan gets to walk the earth, why that right-wing bitch from high school has a nice husband and children, why pack-a-day smokers live to 80, and why any Kardashian has wealth.

It’s not that it’s not fair.  It’s just not right.

*********

I didn’t flip out when someone said I was “just a substitute.”

I didn’t flip out when I cashed the rest of my 401K.

I didn’t flip out when I bought a plane ticket home for the end of May (although I’m freaked about leaving Beatrice).

I didn’t flip out when my mom didn’t answer my calls for a week.

I didn’t flip out when I realized I couldn’t watch Mad Men last night.

I didn’t flip out on any child today because, you know what, I just don’t care if you don’t care.

*********

I did make $60 a day by teaching 1 student for 2 hours a day during Spring Break.

I got 3rd place twice in a row at (my new passion) Geeks Who Drink trivia at a new bar.

I watched the season premiere of Mad Men on the big screen at Denver Film Center with a dirrrrrrty martini in my hand and a bouffant Joan Hollaway would admire.

I got a sunburn.

I ate my weight in junk food.

I watched My Week with Marilyn.

I successfully used a gas grill all by myself to make burgs and vegs.

*********

It’s the little things that actually keep me sane. It’s the army of awesome people and sights and sounds that keep me here, on the planet, striving to keep on keepin’ on.

It’s the little things that cause me to become insane.  It’s the mob of terriblehorriblenogoodverybad-ness that makes me ask, “Why?”

The large things, I can handle.

I get sad and I own it, though.

Not enough people do it.

I try to keep my pity parties to a minimum.

I feel like I’m improving with age.

That’s nice.

I still make the same mistakes, but I correct myself more quickly.

I know bad things happen.

Duh.

I’d just like a break.

-

Whit

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” -Groucho Marx

Sick!  Been wantin’ to write to y’all, but I’ve feel like I’m recovering from being hit by a bus…  A bus that makes me sweat, then freeze, have the most fun delirious thoughts, not eat, and hate everything.

What better time to write?!  Stuck in bed and looooopy!

Jeeze, Beatrice needs extra postivity today because I’ve told her, “I hate everything…. I hate everyone except you….” about 75 times in the last 4 days.

I’ve been fightin’ the funk for 2 weeks.  ACV every day.  Garlic every day.  Vitamins, good diet, and Zyrtec every day.  Plenty of physical activity.  But I think this past week of hellacious children just wore me down.  Tuesday night my shoulders were hunched up to my earholes and I was achy.  Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep, and I sweat like a pig.  Thursday was the Thunder game.

Damn.  I was excited about this.  I bought a ticket the day they went on sale.  Just knew I’d have a crew.

I love basketball.  I love OK.  It shoulda been awesome.

But it was just okay.

Everyone had their own plans, and I was the tagalong.

I felt like shit all day and after school, so it took me a long time to finally push my ass out the door and all the effort I could muster to hail a cab.

My seat was solo, and I needed more Thunder fans around me (for protection).  Luckily, the lackofinterest from last summer was there with his new (official) girlfriend.  YEA!  And they invited me to sit with them! NEAT!

I had a fever by this point, and was texting the gusband, “I hate everything!”

Regardless, I played musical chairs for a while, and I had an okay time, but I really felt like THEshit and was dreading the 7 am school day looming ahead.

The school day was pretty good on Friday until the last period.

It was a group I’ve had before that were so terrible I refused to sub for them again the following day.  The sub they ended up having also refused to ever sub for them again.  They are embarrassing to their entire grade level.

Also, it was a math class (I don’t count so good), and the teacher was unexpectedly ill; so there were no plans… total chaos.

I told them at the beginning, “This is your chance to redeem yourself, transform my 1st impression of you, change your reputation.  I’ve got some worksheets for you.  Just do them quietly and chill out.  I don’t feel well, and I’m not raising my voice.  Please.”

I barely got the words out before kids were shouting, “I’m not doin’ shit,” and “We don’t have a bad reputation,” and “What time is class over?”

They were insanely loud and ridiculous.  Not all, of course, but most.

Class is always over at 2:47, so at 2:46 I packed my computer, walked toward the door, turned off the lights, and left.

Stunned teenagers shrieked.  And I just walked.

Now, that was NOT my best moment.  That is NOT what I should’ve done.  But we’re not in KansasOklahoma anymore, and my co-workers and administration support me.  I technically did nothing wrong.  And this class needs a clue.

So… then I coached a pretty good cheer practice (yep, I’m doing that again, and it requires its own post).

And I came home…

And just flopped.

I went straight to bed with the Bea.  I sent some texts saying I would be sitting out St. Pat’s and the entire weekend.

Slept and sweat from 8:30 pm to 8:30 am.

Bathed in ACV and hot water until I was freezing? So weird.

Fell asleep at 5:30 pm.  Awoke at 5:30 am to close my bedroom window because a group of people were seemingly having a laughing contest outside.

Slept until 8:30 am and actually felt okay enough to walk Beatrice.

I still haven’t eaten anything since yesterday’s bagel with almond butter at 1:30 (over 24 hours ago), but I do believe I’m on the mend.

Attempting some gentle yoga today with no inversions to release a lil’ more stress in my chest and back.

***

Luck!  I think I may have actually had it this year.  Sure, yesterday when I hated everyone except Beatrice, I thought, “Man, St. Pat’s sucks!”

I mean, remember this story and this one?

And then again, this exact time last year I was on my way to Salida for some good bandluck…  (Jesus, the fever-induced delirious dreams are NOT letting me forget that)

But ya know what?  I didn’t spend a dime all weekend.  I didn’t drink empty calories.  I didn’t make bad decisions.  And my fridge is fully stocked for the week ahead because I didn’t eat anything!  Pretty good timing considering I’m a lil’ nervous about the next paycheck.

It’s like I got a free pass for the weekend for being a hermit in hibernation!

But………….  I still had internet access.

And I discovered that the only real boyfriend I had in my 20s, the only other real boyfriend I’ve ever had besides this one, got married yesterday.

This was a bad relationship.  I was in it because someone wanted to be my boyfriend.  And call himself my “boyfriend.”  And it lasted over 4 years.  But it was bad after 4 months.  It was the longest relationship I had ever had at 6 months.  It was not good, but it was what it was.

I’m not actually upset that he’s married.  I am worried about the wife (I know her, and I know he’s no different than he used to be).

It just comes back to, “Why not me?”

I was never ever going to marry him.  He was an alcoholic who waited 3 of those 4 years to ever say he loved me.

I feel sorry for the wife.

But why do gross people get to do this thing I want to do?

***

Funny!  The high school reunion that formed in the wake of this opened my eyes and got me motivated to get out of that relationship.

We dated and lived together throughout the majority of my college career.  I was a recluse for almost 5 years.  The “reunion” put me in my social element without him.  It put me around people I hadn’t seen in years.  It put me back in high school, but now looking better (with eyebrows and good hair), around all of the “upper classmen.”

Guys noticed me.  And I liked it.  They had jobs and weren’t alcoholics.

It’s like the curse was broken.  And (albeit 6 months later) I broke up with the dude dud.

The problem that I’m dealing with is that I keep meeting the wrong men/men like him.

2 boyfriends in 30 years?

Okay.  That’s fine.  But I’m ready to meet the boyfriend who wants to date me for the next 30 years.

Let’s get this party started.

If it doesn’t happen soon (i.e. 7 years), I’m gonna have to have a baby with a platonic life-partner, and that’s gonna be really hard to explain to my family.

Whit

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx

I could talk to you about my crapday.  Special place in Hell for kids who bully teachers…

I could talk to you about my wonderful weekend filled with a 6mile bike ride, 4mile hike, and awesome dinner in Boulder.

I could talk to you about how I’m never hungry the day before my period starts.  What’s up with that?

I could talk to you about how I used to worry about the Bundys from Married…With Children because they never ate food… like never.

But instead I’m going to be silly (even sillier than the previous comment) and list all of the ridiculous names I call my dog.  Her official name is Beatrice Bojangles Balboa Butterfield, and sure, those names come out of my mouth often, but some of her “other” names/nicknames are bizarre.  Do you call your animals by totally random names?  I mean, they make since to you but no one else?  Kimmie calls Brick (the dog) a Wiener Cat.  I love that.

My dad’s nickname for me is ”Doc.”  He calls Molly “Maggie” and Susannah (Gracie).  No wonder we have identity issues!  Ha

I joke.  I love Dad’s names for us.  It’s cute.  And so are these:

B- Bea, Be-uh, BB, Baby, Bean, Bean keys, Binky, Beanbutt, Babybean, Beanie Baby, Babykins, Babykid, The Babyist, Buttbaby, Beano, Bunny, Bacon, Beacon, Beak, Beak of Mine, Bumble, Bun, Butters, Boon, Boonie, Boondoggie, Boogie, Biggie, Bad Child, Beat Rice

C- Cat, Catdog, Carol Channing

D- Dog

F- Fluffybunny

G- Gooby, Goobersnatch, Gumby

H- Hunbun, Honey

K- Kittydog, Kittycat, Kit Kat, Kissyface

L- Lovey, Lovebun, Little, Littlest, The Littlest, Loaf of Bread, Little Butt

M- Mouse, Monkey, Mami, My Little Pony

P- Pinky, Pink Feet, Petite Feet, Peengy, Peen, Poon, Piggie, Pigdog, Pony, Punky Brewster

S- Sweet Peet, Sweetpea, Spunky Rooster

T- Tinky

W- Winky

She is the best around! No one’s ever gonna bring her down!

She brightens up every single one of my days!  I love her more than I love pretty much anything.  I am a much happier person because of her.  The Humane Society is an organization to which I will always be indebted.  Thank you for changing my life.

Whit

“Hear me roar!” -Helen Reddy’s “I Am Woman”

International Women’s Day was an unknown phenomenon to me until I was in London (4 years ago exactly) and witnessed the celebrations and rallies.  Hmmm….  was it possibly foreign to me because the US is not so active/aware?

Prolly.

IWD comes at an odd time in the US woman’s current life.  A time when some men (and women) who are at the helm of our country (or wish to be) are trying to turn back the clock and strip women of rights and privileges so simple that in all my (almost) 30 years I have understood to be unalienable.

My choice to begin taking oral contraceptives 12 years ago was not scary or daunting.  In fact, it was quite simple and accomplished completely on my own.  I have paid for this drug out of my very own pocket, and I’ve never been pregnant.  In those 12 years, sure, I’ve had sex, but no one would ever call me a “slut.”  Well, no one who knows me.  The choice to buy and consume oral contraceptives has never really been about “sluttin’ it up with no consequences.”  I’ve still chosen to use condoms, withdrawal, and abstinence in order to “slut it up with (fewer) consequences.”  Honestly, and faithful readers will agree, my choice to buy and consume oral contraceptives was for my health.  I learned during the last 2 years, that I need these hormones to regulate my body, clear my skin, keep me sane, prevent cysts, and reduce the time I spent agonizing in the fetal position once a month.  I’ll gladly spend $30 a month for the rest of my life for benefits such as these!  Also, the added benefit of not getting pregnant every time/any time I choose to be a “slut” makes it all worthwhile.

I’ve grown up in the age of working women.  Women in power.  Women unencumbered.  Women with choices.

I’ve grown up always knowing that I don’t have to have a child if I’m not ready to have a child.  I can be like a man.

I’ve grown up knowing that birth control is available and easy to obtain.

I’ve grown up in a time, however, that has changed.

If you’re a little loopy, if you’re unable to focus, if you’re sad, if your penis doesn’t work, insurance will cover you.

BUT if you require a lil’ extra estrogen/testosterone (and nothing holistic has worked), you have cystic acne that pains you (and absolutely nothing under the sun has worked), you have intense PMS (and the voices have almost convinced you to punch the next person you see), you have ovarian cysts (that really can’t be fixed until they’re too much of a problem), and you have the most violent cramps (that paralyze you), well, you’re just gonna have to foot the bill.

People are funny, huh?

Abortion is murder, but you shouldn’t use birth control.

Free health care is socialism, but you should have a baby even if you cannot/don’t want to care for it.

And when you do have that baby (babies) that you can’t afford/don’t love, don’t even think about asking the government for a handout, you goddamned Welfare Witch.

*********

Ladies, today we stand proud, we stand together.  Hug a woman who has influence you positively.  Salute the women who have made our lives possible.  Kiss a man who loves his women strong, smart, and sassy.  Convince someone with backwards thoughts to open their eyes.  We must persevere!  We aren’t going anywhere!  We vote!  We talk!  We are the reason the for the season!  The War on Women will not defeat us!  Are you kidding, we only get stronger!

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whit

“Workin’ on my night cheese!” -Liz Lemon

Hi!

I’m trying to be ”checked in” to my blergh, and while there are lots ta talk ’bout, I thought we should just start with where I left you 5 months ago.

The last post promised a pursuit of self-discovery with the Winter of Whitney!  So let’s see how it went…

“I will not go out! [Except for supercheap] Happy Hour occasionally… I cannot spend, but I will not deprive myself“

• I did it!  All of my money worries vanished for about 3 months, and while I spent money that I maybe shouldn’t have, it did not go to overpriced food and drink!  Denver seriously has the cheapest happy hours ever.  And they’re everywhere.  Within walking distance.  With patios.
• We got an H&M (squeee) in November (that I can/have to bike to {doublesqueee}).  Because my paychecks were fuckin’ bangin’ for 3 months and going out became barely a pastime, I hit up H&M 3 little times for tons of awesomeness.  Jackets and shoes and dresses and underwear OH MY!
• LESSON LEARNED:  I knew damned good and well that the beginning of 2012 was gonna be uncertain (considering the substitute teaching shit), and I should have saved that goddamned money rather than played dress up with it.  But I got some quality pieces and I spent less than $300.  But mega car problems (6 tires and 2 alignments in 1 month) in January reminds me that frugality is always important when your salary is inconsistent.  I need to remind myself often that splurges can be fun and even necessary, yet every dollar spent on something silly is a dollar needed for something serious.

“I will not pursue any straight man until 2012… I’m not looking“

• I did it!  I was anti-straight guy for 3 months.  Now, there have been 3 candidates since the (very) beginning of 2012, but I discovered a lot about myself in the celibate, final months of 2011.
• I focussed on myself.  I hung out with friends.  I hung out with Beatrice.  I worked and cooked and painted my nails and cleared up my skin and watched shows and meditated.
• LESSON LEARNED:  I know what I want, even if I don’t know where to find it.  I have issues.  I am learning that my issues are lessening.  People leave me, and I always move on.  I can move on.  I have to keep my standards high, and I have to gracefully bow out when someone does not meet those standards.  I deserve to be pursued.  I will always do my part, but the partner I need must want me.  I’ll be happy to wait as long as it takes to find that.  I will not have the future I really want if it does not include what I really need.  I’m open to accepting the attention of straight men again, but I have to keep moving forward, keep being myself, and keep thinking clearly.

“I will join my school’s gym… and work out… after school“

• I did it!  I’m back in the saddle.  Working out is an even bigger part of my routine again because I have no excuse.  The gym is in my place of employment and it costs $20 a semester.  Can you even fucking believe it?!  That’s just too damn easy.
• I have a trainer.  He’s awesome (but he’s moving to OKC in June, if you can believe that!), and when I complained about a chronic foot problem (that I’ve had for the last 4 years) while on the elliptical, he researched it, found out it’s a real problem, helped me modify my workout program (although I was skeptical of it’s effectiveness), and I’ve seen awesome results.  My workouts are never boring!
• LESSON LEARNED:  Exercise is key to my well-being.  I know this.  When working out is easy, even more stress is lifted.  Yoga can be done at home.  Walking can be done all the time.  Biking is fun.  I must never let myself fall into the rut of not remembering these key points.  I like going to the gym, and that is essential for willpower.  I must do it.  I can do it.  I will do it.

**********

Two more tidbits:

THIS is a real thing!

What the what?!

Whoa.

AND the acne-attack is over!

My face doesn’t hurt anymore!!

Turns out chemicals and hormones are a necessity for me.  Oh, well.  Let’s just hope that if I ever meet the perfect partner and we decide to have kids, he really is perfect.  Because if I ever go off birth control again, my face is going to explode, which means ”the perfect partner” will have to endure years of Crater Face McCabe.

Ha.

Whit

“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” -Mark Twain

This is my thought process right meow

I made myself be busy for the past 2 days (since I didn’t have any sub jobs)…  4 loads of laundry, grocery store for 3 mega-meals, and I made a crock-pot roast.  I asked an Okie friend to come over and occupy me, as well.

As more details come to light about my friend, nothing is actually clarified…  Still makes no sense.  Imagining why and how makes it all even weirder.  And while we could be mad at him, we just can’t.  Even if he hadn’t killed himself, and if he was on trial, it still would be hard to comprehend.

Some of us don’t want to talk about it.  All of us want the media to drop it.  But they are vultures, and a story is a story.  I’ve had to be the bearer of bad news to some friends who have moved/moved on, and it doesn’t get any easier because every one wants a “reason.”

The good that I’m getting out of this (as well as some as my friends, whether they realize it or not) is that we’re changing our perceptions.  Next time we hear a story like this in the news, we’ll have to remember that the villain has friends and family too.

That’s really the most boggling part….. No one saw it coming or knows why it happened.

Funeral?  I don’t know.  I doubt I’ll go.  Mostly due to monetary restraints.

It all just makes me more skeptical of people.  How could I not be?  You imagine that a person you love and trust will be loving and trustworthy.  Especially when there are no warning signs….

Honestly, I know crazy people.  People I can imagine going off, doing something destructive.  But Dan wasn’t that person.  It makes my trust issues multiply.  I look at the other “happy” couples I know and wonder, “Are you capable of this?!”

There’s really no way to know.

That’s scary.

I am a conspiracy theorist, a skeptic.  I don’t trust most people as far I as could throw ‘em, and now I’m wondering if my friends and loved ones can be trusted.

One of the friends I had to break the news to asked me, “Are you planning on doing anything horrible/awful?”

Is that how we need to end every conversation, even when things seem copacetic?

Whit

“Have you ever seen a grown man naked?” -Captain Oveur, AIRPLANE!

Forgive me, Readers, for I have sinned. It has been 5 months (exactly) since my last confession post.

I haven’t forgotten about you, but if you view my last post, you’ll recognize the state of mind I was in and what I was hoping to find/change/become.

I’m happy to report, that the Winter of Whitney was somewhat of a success!  And I promise to tell you more about it later.  Honestly, I wanted to live it and write about it later, but I now understand that I kind of neglected you.

I write to you now because I’ve been yearning to write to you over the past few weeks, for various reasons…

Becoming the Teacher Lady again left me with little time to devote to you, as well…

But due to the intense course of events that has occurred in the last few hours, days, weeks, I had to reconnect with you…

I don’t want my overwhelming number of desperate, stupid, irrational posts to be the things people read to reminisce if I depart from this earth in an untimely manner….

I don’t want to leave the worldwideweb with mere tidbits of my inconstant moods……

***

I am happy and healthy.  My hormones have readjusted.  I’m doing what needs to be done for my wellness.  So don’t fret.

I’ve just been a witness to so much loss lately, that I’m thinking about what people will remember, read, say, think, when I’m gone.

***

I’m writing today from the viewpoint of extreme confusion, but this time, luckily, I’m not confused by my own actions.

A good friend of mine has just been accused of murder.

I never thought I’d know a murderer.

Actually, I thought if I knew a murderer, I’d be the victim.

Too much SVU…

The worst feeling?  I think he’s guilty.  I can’t imagine he’d be capable of such evil, but all signs point to him.

Too much CSI…

Denver Dan is what we called him… because he’d just up and go….

We went to different schools, but we did competitive speech tournaments together.  My coach (dad) was best friends with his coach.  We always traveled together.  Our friend-groups co-mingled through high school to the present.

We took a road trip to a concert once, and it was one of my favorite memories… He rode in the hatchback of my friend’s packed car, in Okie-summer heat, for 6 hours.

He was fun.

We used to do drugs together.

Recreational, fun stuff.  We’d stay up all night just being silly.

This is ridiculous….

Dan became a father last year.  Married a few years back…

I hadn’t talked to him in a while, but he seemed to be doing very well….. better than most

All of us who knew and loved him are simply baffled………..

And I suppose, we’ll never know the truth.

I don’t want his memory to be marred, but he killed his wife, child, and flew to fucking Vegas, where he killed himself…

How can we not think of that when we think of him?

I suppose anyone who knows/loves someone who does something so terrible has to deal with these feelings…. I just never imagined I would have to deal with these feelings….

Every one is so messed up about this….

I just want to remember this:

Not this…

Because I don’t know what to say, think, or do, I write.  Sadly, that’s when I yearn to write.  I’m trying to re-commit myself to you, oh Blog.  I find comfort, humor, home, and community in my friends’ and strangers’  blogs, so I’d like to provide that again…

Whit

“I’m clearing all the crap out of my room. Trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue…” -Laura Mariling’s “Goodbye England”

Yep.  That’s exactly what I’m doing….

The entirety of this song could just be the entirety of this post….

You were so smart then in your jacket and coat. My softest red scarf was warming your throat. Winter was on us at the end of my nose. And I never love England more than when covered in snow. But a friend of mine says it’s good to hear you believe in love, even if said in fear. Well, I’ll hold you there brother and set you straight, I only believe true love is frail and willing to break.

I will come back here, bring me back when I’m old. I want to lay here forever in the cold. I might be cold but I’m just skin and bones, and I never love England more than when covered in snow.

I wrote my name in your book, only God knows why. And I bet you that he cracked a smile. And I’m clearing all the crap out of my room. Trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue. And I wrote an epic letter to you. And it’s twenty-two pages front and back, but it’s too good to be used. And I try to be a girl who likes to be used. I’m too good for that, there’s a mind under this hat! And I called them all and told them I’ve got to move.

I’m on my own, it’s too hard. I’m on my own, it’s too hard.

Feel like running, feel like running. Running  off…

****

I thought I met someone new, but he just turned out to be the 5th person in Denver to stand me up…

5 times in one year.

I was stood up 3 times in 27 years in Oklahoma!

Denver:  The Ditch yoU state!

I thought the end of September and the whole of October would be financially modest but manageable, and I just realized I’ll have -$10 on October 13th and nothing more until October 29th.

Checking (currently): -$12    Savings (currently): $0

Paycheck: $1024

Bills:  $1022

Wow.

Yes, November-January will produce slightly larger checks, but it just won’t cover what I’ll have to charge in October and the possibility of no employment in February.

The first words out of my mouth this morning were, “I am suicidal.”

Don’t worry yet.

I’ve been here too many times, and statistically speaking, I won’t do it.

(joke, y’all)

I simply meant that my life is killing itself.

Time keeps on slipping….

I realized yesterday, while walking Beatrice, that I don’t get a do-over.  Yep, I realized just yesterday, that this. is. it.

I may never be a mother.

A man (that is not already part of my friemly) may never want me the way I want him.

I might never “own” more than I can fit in a U-haul.

I will probably always live paycheck-to-paycheck.

It could all end any day.

I only have one chance to do what makes me happy.

Unfortunately, some of “what makes me happy” is not always free, healthy, or productive.

It’s really hard not to stay home, eat my own food, smoke pot, watch Netflix and such.

But it’s also difficult to go to the park alone.  Go to the bar alone.  Go to the bookstore alone.  Go to the farmers’ market alone.

Especially when you’ve got no money, ha!

I started this journey alone, raised as an only child for so long.  I am accustomed to it.

I’ve always been “me.”  I’ve always been like “this.”  If I’ve ever changed, I think it’s been for the better; so I want to learn from my past and improve what can be improved.

The world is literally falling apart before our very eyes. We’ve never learned from the past!  The Peasant’s Revolt of 1381?  Theocracies?  Socialism?  Kennedy’s Inaugural address?  Polar ice cap melt?

I can teach future generations about this.

That’s all.

I can only earn money by getting paid the wage that is set.  If I cannot find a job, I’m in the same boat as millions.

Can’t change it.

I can continue to be the person that I am.  I am loved by some amazing people, and while it’s odd that there’s not one man who can see me the way my friemly sees me, who loves me the way I love him, and who is not gay, I’ve always got friemly.

‘Til the bitter end.

I can love my dog like a child.  I can love my friemly’s children.  I can raise hundreds of teenagers to be good citizens.

That makes me very happy.

****

So the Winter of Whitney begins!

Monday, October 3rd!

Mark it!

First, I will not go out until Fall Break (the last weekend in Oct).  Happy hour may be permitted occasionally at a place I found with $2 LiTs….

Second-OF-ly, I will not pursue any straight man until 2012.  I may be pursued, but I’m not looking….

C.  I will join my school’s gym (with $10 that I don’t actually have) and work out every day after school.  One day off a week may be enjoyed if necessary, but I really like working out, and I must take advantage of the gym’s location and price.  I’ve really missed this part of my life.  I LOVE ELLIPTICAL MACHINES

Last, I cannot spend money, but I will not deprive myself.  I’ve always been frugal, and I will continue to be.  I’m actually doing better than most since my debt is so low and has only been accumulating for one year.

Hopefully, this Winter of Whitney will help me become happier and healthier and I’ll continue to improve myself.

I don’t know……….

Whit