The entirety of this song could just be the entirety of this post….

You were so smart then in your jacket and coat. My softest red scarf was warming your throat. Winter was on us at the end of my nose. And I never love England more than when covered in snow. But a friend of mine says it’s good to hear you believe in love, even if said in fear. Well, I’ll hold you there brother and set you straight, I only believe true love is frail and willing to break.

I will come back here, bring me back when I’m old. I want to lay here forever in the cold. I might be cold but I’m just skin and bones, and I never love England more than when covered in snow.

I wrote my name in your book, only God knows why. And I bet you that he cracked a smile. And I’m clearing all the crap out of my room. Trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue. And I wrote an epic letter to you. And it’s twenty-two pages front and back, but it’s too good to be used. And I try to be a girl who likes to be used. I’m too good for that, there’s a mind under this hat! And I called them all and told them I’ve got to move.

I’m on my own, it’s too hard. I’m on my own, it’s too hard.

Feel like running, feel like running. Running  off…

****

I thought I met someone new, but he just turned out to be the 5th person in Denver to stand me up…

5 times in one year.

I was stood up 3 times in 27 years in Oklahoma!

Denver:  The Ditch yoU state!

I thought the end of September and the whole of October would be financially modest but manageable, and I just realized I’ll have -$10 on October 13th and nothing more until October 29th.

Checking (currently): -$12    Savings (currently): $0

Paycheck: $1024

Bills:  $1022

Wow.

Yes, November-January will produce slightly larger checks, but it just won’t cover what I’ll have to charge in October and the possibility of no employment in February.

The first words out of my mouth this morning were, “I am suicidal.”

Don’t worry yet.

I’ve been here too many times, and statistically speaking, I won’t do it.

(joke, y’all)

I simply meant that my life is killing itself.

Time keeps on slipping….

I realized yesterday, while walking Beatrice, that I don’t get a do-over.  Yep, I realized just yesterday, that this. is. it.

I may never be a mother.

A man (that is not already part of my friemly) may never want me the way I want him.

I might never “own” more than I can fit in a U-haul.

I will probably always live paycheck-to-paycheck.

It could all end any day.

I only have one chance to do what makes me happy.

Unfortunately, some of “what makes me happy” is not always free, healthy, or productive.

It’s really hard not to stay home, eat my own food, smoke pot, watch Netflix and such.

But it’s also difficult to go to the park alone.  Go to the bar alone.  Go to the bookstore alone.  Go to the farmers’ market alone.

Especially when you’ve got no money, ha!

I started this journey alone, raised as an only child for so long.  I am accustomed to it.

I’ve always been “me.”  I’ve always been like “this.”  If I’ve ever changed, I think it’s been for the better; so I want to learn from my past and improve what can be improved.

The world is literally falling apart before our very eyes. We’ve never learned from the past!  The Peasant’s Revolt of 1381?  Theocracies?  Socialism?  Kennedy’s Inaugural address?  Polar ice cap melt?

I can teach future generations about this.

That’s all.

I can only earn money by getting paid the wage that is set.  If I cannot find a job, I’m in the same boat as millions.

Can’t change it.

I can continue to be the person that I am.  I am loved by some amazing people, and while it’s odd that there’s not one man who can see me the way my friemly sees me, who loves me the way I love him, and who is not gay, I’ve always got friemly.

‘Til the bitter end.

I can love my dog like a child.  I can love my friemly’s children.  I can raise hundreds of teenagers to be good citizens.

That makes me very happy.

****

So the Winter of Whitney begins!

Monday, October 3rd!

Mark it!

First, I will not go out until Fall Break (the last weekend in Oct).  Happy hour may be permitted occasionally at a place I found with $2 LiTs….

Second-OF-ly, I will not pursue any straight man until 2012.  I may be pursued, but I’m not looking….

C.  I will join my school’s gym (with $10 that I don’t actually have) and work out every day after school.  One day off a week may be enjoyed if necessary, but I really like working out, and I must take advantage of the gym’s location and price.  I’ve really missed this part of my life.  I LOVE ELLIPTICAL MACHINES

Last, I cannot spend money, but I will not deprive myself.  I’ve always been frugal, and I will continue to be.  I’m actually doing better than most since my debt is so low and has only been accumulating for one year.

Hopefully, this Winter of Whitney will help me become happier and healthier and I’ll continue to improve myself.

I don’t know……….

Whit

I just don’t really want to talk think write about what’s goin’ on these days….

I wanna be at work at 7am; come home and be with Bea; eat food; watch documentaries/shows about the UK; go to bed; rinse and repeat.

‘Tis the life of a lonely teacher…

But see, I want to do all of those things…

I need to work out; I need to get out and about…

But see, I don’t want to do those things….

I want to talk to my Hubaround for an hour every other day, get the shit out of my head, and prepare for tomorrow.

Rinse and repeat.

It’s been working…. Kinda

I’m surly.

I’m in a funk.

Due to

the lackofinterest and our HonestyWorld

the psychological effects of the “lack” of interest

the acne-attack

the psychological effects of the acne-attack

the money shortage

the fear of January 2012

the desire for material things

It’s all throwing me off……………………………

But see, there’s always a lil’ good going around too…

I have been talkin’ to the Hubaround quite a bit, and he’s so good for a vent and release.  I treasure him and our love.

I have been textin’ with MyGirl, albeit drunkenly mostly, but we have such a link.  I’m so grateful to be “gotten.”

I have taken the 2nd long-term sub job and a tutoring job at the same school; so I’m set until January.

I have completed all of the training to be a daily sub, long-term sub, and QUALIFIED teacher in Colorado. Whew!  Ridiculous runaround!  Now, the wait for the actual slip of paper proving it……..

I have found a niche with some of my students.  And I’m getting to know some of my co-workers a little better.

I have been putting together the cutest, Fall work outfits!  I love this weather, and I’ve finally gotten the hang of layering in Colorado (so essential).  The cool breeze and warm sun are such a gift.  The leaves are turning pink……..

There.

Nice.

Whit

You know how I’ve written about my hellacious acne?  And how I just got back on the hormones to attempt to remedy it? And how I’ve lied to myself about how it’s getting better?

Well, sometimes you can’t just cry for help….. YOU’VE GOTTA SCREAM!!!!!

So please, dear readers, when I ask for advice, I really really ru-hu-eally need it…………………………….

This is what I’m dealing with……

left

And this is better than it was 5 days ago…… Better?  Yeah, I said it.

neck

It hurts.

right

My face hurts.

See!  Wasn’t overexaggerating!  No hyperbole here!

I look like a “BEFORE” pic for some acne drug.

I’m washing pillowcases on the regular, using a clean towel for my face daily.  I’m eating as well as I can and smoking very little.  I’m drinking 40ish ounces of water and only one cup of caffeinated tea a day.  I’m getting plenty of fruit/veg/sleep.  I’m steaming and masking and moisturizing and vitamin-ing and doing everything (within my power) correctly….. I think.

I’m healthier than most people, but my face would suggest otherwise……………

HelpHelp!

What works?

What will help?

What the fuck can I do?

What am I doing wrong?

No wonder I can’t get a date/keep a guy interested!  Sheesh! I hate looking at this/like this…………………………………….

It’s just gross………………….

Ick.

Please help me.

Whit

So broke that it’s quite possible I’ll begin using the real credit card for regular purchases.

So broken that I want to begin using the real credit card for retail therapy.

I was paid $580 dollars for the entire month of August.

Yep.

My expenditures are almost 3times that……

Ick.

Thought I’d get birthday money.

Thought wrong.

And since I’ve been in such a queer state of mind, I really wanted “presents.”  I know, I know.  It sounds childish and selfish, but the last “present” I got was at Christmas, and it was such a cherished gift from myGirl, so much thought and consideration put into it, and I just needed that feeling again.

Instead, I got a guilt trip from my mother (the easiest gift for her to give), and a broken promise from my father.

My aunt sent me a text message, and my sister called me on the wrong day.

I must say, in a time where I wonder how much good really comes from FaceSpace, my “friends” really made my day special-er.  I know they’re reminded that it’s my birthday, but they don’t have to say anything.  More than 50 people dropped me a line, and some very “long-lost” friends sent special messages that just lit me up!

Thanks for the love, FaceSpace.

**********************************

How do I make the most of life without spending money or spending all my time alone?

That is the question I’m struggling to answer.

***********************************

Don’t buy an entire birthday cake because you will eat the entire thing!

That is the goal for the days ahead.

*************************************

So, I may have not gotten any presents or cake for my birthday, but the strangest phenomenon has been occuring outside my window for the past few weeks, and I’ve been dying to share it with you.

I have a squirrelfriend.

Those that know me well know that squirrels very much intrigue me.  I have a giant squirrel drawing above my bed, and I currently have my eye on this squirrel pillow for said bed.

I’ve discussed, at length, the rarity of seeing baby squirrels and wondered if they perhaps hatch from eggs.

And we’ve all (hopefully) seen this video.

But I now have my very own squirrelfriend, I think………..

Every day, for 7 days, a squirrel perched on my neighbors’ rain gutter and peered in my window for 5-10 minutes.

First, I thought it was dead.

Then, it moved.

I looked for him every day for a week, and I took a pic each day.

Now, I don’t think about it much, but I’ve seen him out there on countless other days.

I have no idea if he lives there, or even if it’s the same one, but it’s definitely an odd occurrence.

It must just be his hangout place, and he must know I like him… A lot….

He’s even out there right now!

Curiouser and curiouser!

Whit

I turned 29.

Yea!

It’s better than the alternative……

I haven’t been feeling well (the bi-annual allergy attack), but I’ve been getting A LOT of sleep.

That’s gotta be a good thing, right?

First off, to address the last comment I received -

Kristen, I’ve been eating easy foods Not fast food, but simple and easy because I’ve not been eating that much (this weird work schedule does that to me).  Yogurt or a Lara bar for breaky with a giant Celestial Seasons chai tea with skim and agave at 7am; “goodie plate” of raw veg, fruit, cheese, turkey, crackers and nuts at 12 or 2pm; whatever I can make with little to no effort at 7pm; bed by 9pm.

I will share 3 of my new, easy faves:

5 minute protein power

low-fat cottage cheese + garbanzo and kidney beans + chopped kalamata olives

Caliente Chicken

1 chicken breast + evoo + salt + cayenne + chili powder + minced garlic + 20 minutes @ 400 degrees

Quinoa La La

cooked quinoa + sautéed squash/zucchini/bell pep + evoo + salt + cayenne + chili powder + minced garlic + feta

I’ve been over-tired and busy and my mind is a mile a minute with work, life, trying to get my CO teaching license, trying to get my daily sub license (an entirely different process for some unknownstupid reason), friendships, interests, and money…………

Hence the repetitive, boring menu and 9pm bedtime.  Luckily, after 15 years of insomnia and night-owlism, I learned  during my 2nd year of teaching to go to bed when tired and make the best effort to get 8 hours of sleep.  I’ve accomplished this with flying colors recently, and I’ve become so skilled at it that it’s carried over into my weekends.  It’s really nice to have a whole day, that begins early, to use for work or play.

***

My actual birthday began with the formerinterest (more on that latermaybe) dropping off his little Lola at 6 am.  I agreed to dogsit for 6 days while he attends a wedding in FL.  I was really happy to do this because I want 2-dog practice and Bea needs friends.  I’d love to get Beatrice a Benedict one day, yet I know not when.  Lola is 2 years older than Bea, but you’d never guess it.  She’s hyper and aggressive but truly a scaredy-dog at heart.  It’s amazing to see how much calmer she is with me, but dogs simply react to their owners, and while I’m firm and strict with Bea, I keep a quiet, confident voice and am consistent with my rules and reactions.  Lola’s so insanecrazy with the formerinterest, I was a bit apprehensive about having her for a week, but she’s adapted her behavior to my standards and been a pleasantly peaceful addition.  I did, however, have an odd mental moment while giving the dogs “potty treats” where I envisioned my life in 15 years (hopefully) hosting my child’s friend during a sleepover.

“Who wants a snack?”

“YES!” Beatrice

“Yogurt and apples?!?” Lola

“That’s what we’re having.  If you don’t like it, sorry!”

Beatrice ate 2 helpings of potty treats, and finally, Lola came back around to actually try them, and she liked ‘em!  She hasn’t turned her nose up to “treats” since.

Yeah…. I’ll be the mom with the healthy treats, and they’ll have to like it damn it

BFF

YOGI TIME!

When I got home from work, it was cold and dreary, but I quickly found a present in my mailbox from the Urban Agrarian and then had an hour-long phone call with my Hubaround.

My birthday seemed to cue Fall for Denver.  It was rainy and chilly in the low 60s all evening, and it made me really happy because I got to wear layers!  It also helped me choose the perfect happy hour bar! The night of my birthday, I met ML for happy hour at Steuben’s, which is comfort-food-and-drink heaven.  2 other friends met us there after about 2 hours, and we headed to Beauty Bar for martinis and manicures.

Friday night was set for the real bday bash = meaning I can haz dranks…

My old friend Mutt and I started with happy hour at Steuben’s ($2 beers and $1 sliders can’t be beat), and we continued the night with bar hopping until I can’t remember when.  All I know is that we did the Bluth chicken, sang “Gimme Three Steps” to a stunned bar crowd, 2-stepped to “Iko Iko,” searched for Shakedown Street until we finally found it at 2 am, ate fried things with cheese, and then I sprained my ankle while trying to sit down.  Mutt and my new friend, Denise, stayed the night so we could ride with the freaks early Saturday morning.

8 am, however came much too early and thirsty….

We missed Tour de Fat‘s bike brigade, but we still got to dress like weirdos and enjoy most of the festivities.

I got my face painted!

It was good ol’ freaky fun.

Whit

I helped a teacher attempt to control her class today and felt like I was in a bar full of drunks………………………..

The kids in my classes are really coming around, but the rest of these fuckers in this school are real shit.

okaynotallofthem

It’s tired in here.

Goodnight!

(yesit’s8pm)

Whit

Just thought I should check in……..

The funk is fading.  I’m afraid it may return soon, but it’s fading for now.

TMI:  I’ve been bleeding for 2 weeks and my period is supposed to start within the week.  Yep.  Due to my body readjusting to the Pill (again), my body’s been totally out of whack.

I’ve been diligent about working out and getting good rest, but I really think most of this funk is due to Mercury being in retrograde (and excessive bleeding).

My 29th birthday is steadily approaching, and I wish some Okies would use Labor Day’s long weekend to come visit me.  All of my friends here have plans for both weekends surrounding my Wednesday birthday.  I don’t have any extra money to do anything super fun.  I’d really like to go roller-skating or to an amusement park.  But that wouldn’t be so much fun all alone.

I’m hoping I can have a 3-way-birthday-partay with my friend ML and her friend during the weekend of the 17th, and that could be a good time if people would actually show up.  I really would like to get all of my friend-groups together: the gays, the hippies, the teachers, the Boulder-ers, and the rest.

******

This weekend was fairly uneventful but much appreciated.

ML cancelled our plans Friday night, but that meant I got gay-time!  I put on my cowboy boots, and Cody and I set out for line-dancing at Charlie’s (a gay, cowboy bar).  I got 3 free shots and learned the Hanky Panky.  Then, Cody and I bar-hopped to gay and straight places, saw 2 people projectile vomit, and I taught him about “punching mayonnaise.”

I basically slept all day Saturday.  I re-watched eps of 30 Rock (it makes me feel so normal and smart and happy), ate too much food, but I worked out too; so there was no guilt felt at all.

I was up by 7 today, made breaky, and I’ve already done a lil’ pilates and ridden my bike almost 7 miles.

Now, I’m watching part 1 of Monarchy: The Royal Family at Work.

If I do nothing else today, I’d feel totes fine about it!

Alas, I must grade papers, read a short story, plan an AP practice test, clean the kitchen, and rearrange some storage………………………………………………………..

Whit

(even though my day was supershit)

My living-legend-writer-boyfriend turns 91 today!!!!!!!!!!

I love Ray Bradbury so very much, not just for his writing.  He’s a fucking prophet!  And just a doll!

Fahrenheit 451 and “The Pedestrian” will forever be 2 of my all-time favorite pieces of writing EVER!!!!!

 ”Our civilization is flinging itself to pieces….” Fahrenheit…

*************************************************************************************************************

And now for something completely different………………..

I want to be this for Halloween:

“What the fuck is that?” you ask.

Well, it’s apparently called a “glitz girl” in its natural habitat (the GLITZ pageant).

This is one of the most ridiculous and truly frightening monstrosities in the world, and I think it would make for the most fun night!  Chugging Pixie Stix and Red Bulls, screaming randomly, making “cute” facial expressions, blowing tons of kisses, and spouting phrases like, “I want a cow now!” and “Point! PopToe! Point!” and “I’m gonna kick you in the face!” and “It’s the hardest job you can have.”

Then, there’s always this gem…..

I figure, if no one knows what I am, they’ll assume Drag Queen (and this is the closest I think I’ll ever get to that dream)!

I just hope no one assumes JonBenét ……………………….

Although I did find every thing I need for the costume in Boulder………………

Whit

The idea of Karma has come up quite a bit lately, and I really got to thinking after reading this.

My Girl and I have to find a new snark-fix, and I helped my new co-worker-friend steal an American flag; so yeah, I’m thinking ’bout bad juju….

I had a bad first day of school……  It sucked.

Luckily, I don’t have to “sweat the small stuff” at the new school, and I can try to be the fun teacher I was for the first 3 and a half years, but what a shit way to begin with these kids…….

I was looking forward to a fun-filled weekend to ease the burn and refresh me for a new week, but that didn’t really happen.

Some of that was my fault (see “funk”).

Mike and Kim welcomed me in Boulder for food and fellowship Friday evening.  Then, Mike and I had a nice brunch on Saturday.  I finally got to meet Kim’s sister, and I think I have a new best friend (who happens to live in Paris).

Last night was not what I expected, and that made me sad; so today I was determined to make the best of my Sunday, my weekend.

I actually found myself asking, “What will make you happy?”

eating – shopping – drinking – riding rollercoasters – exercising – spa treatment – hair appointment

Yes……………..

“What can you do without spending money that will still make you happy?”

talk to friends – exercise – meditate – price 30th birthday trips – price Toms wedges that you’ve wanted for 2 years

Yes……………..

“What will take your mind off the funk and produce some visible results?”

exercise – meditate – clean the house – write – do work, son

I’ve attempted to overcome my funk with positive self-talk all day along with a Walk for Optimism (which consisted of my regular 30 minute walk with Beatrice) during which I reminded myself of all the things I do well.  This should become a habit.

Then, I did a little exercise, and I meditated for 6 minutes.

Next, I deep-cleaned the APT: dishes, kitchen, trash, tub, toilet, sink, dusted all surfaces and window sills, and vacuumed.

I followed that with a big pot o’ spaghetti, and I made my lunch for tomorrow.

Now, I’m writing……… and I’m still in a funk, BUT I am so very proud of my accomplishments, and I do feel good about turning my worry into work.

Whit

I have been officially hired for the job (that I was already hired for 3 weeks ago).

The DPS paperwork has gone through, and that has taken a huge weight off of me.

The school is awesome.  The systems, policies, and procedures are what most schools strive to have.  They have it.

The administration treats its staff like professional adults with very important jobs, not like children playing “school.”

I’m not so worried about what’s going to happen in October, as it appears I have another long-term sub job that will begin then plus an after school tutoring gig. Still in the works but a perfect possibility.

It’s nice to not have to decorate a classroom, make a syllabus, create a year-long lesson plan.

Best:

I’m back on The Pill, and my skin is thrilled.  “Thanks, lady, for giving us what we need!” Love, Your Pores

Pills are mailed home now 2 weeks before they run out, and I couldn’t be happier with the fact that I won’t have to bolt down the street every 4th Sunday.

The curriculum I’m teaching for 6 weeks is pretty great.  I’m so fucking happy that Kate Chopin is the 1st author I’m working with.

I created a little corner in my classroom to share a bit about myself with my students.

I’ve put up my OK flag (that I stole from a neighborhood when I was 16), and if you can see the circles, I’ll explain what they are.  So I used the scrap middle circles from the “O”s that teachers cut out on the lounge’s letter cutter, and the 5 in the border are all drawings of things that represent me: a vinyl record, a baseball, the earth, a comedy mask, and the food pyramid.  There will be a pic of Beatrice in the border tomorrow.

The circles on the flag represent Oklahoma: the first shopping cart, the state vegetable, the first parking meter, the state rock song, and the first electric guitar.

My diploma and “UCO” in blue and gold are hung to encourage college awareness.

The school has AIR CONDITIONING, A LETTER CUTTER, A POSTER MAKER, 5+ COPIERS, 2 ITs, SMART BOARDS, TEACHER LAPTOPS, and so much more that I can’t even type because this school is so fucking rad.

I’ve never been in a school that provides support and supplies that just make the already difficult work-day run more smoothly.  AND I’VE BEEN IN SCHOOLS WITH A LOT MORE FUNDING!

Austin called me out of the blue yesterday (we hadn’t spoken in a month).  It was surprising, but it was a great 2 hour conversation.  I’m trying to talk him into going somewhere with me for my 30th birthday.  He says he’s down.

Bad:

I don’t think many of my co-workers like me.  It may just be due to the fact that I’m not “permanent.” And it could be due to the fact that these people are good at their jobs and don’t bullshit around like the folks to which I’m accustomed.  But I have seen people going out to lunch and whatnot, and it sucks to not be invited……….

I’m concerned about the side effects of going back on The Pill.  Weight gain, boob weight gain, sadgirlmanicdepression (more PMSposts!), hormones, guilt about pissing hormones into drinking water……………..

I’ve been watching “chick flicks.”  The genre I most despise.  Why am I doing this?  Well, the answer is twofold: I’m streaming movies from a site, like, a lot, and if I don’t have to pay to see something, but I can still see it, I’m probably gonna look at it even if it’s horribleterrible.  Also, the interest apparently really likes “chick flicks,” and he suggested one; so I watched it.  Now, it’s become a thing……..

Well, not so much of a thing…..  but I’ve watched a few more than I should have (who am I kidding, I shouldn’t have watched any of them)……..

I watched He’s Just Not That Into You, and I’m starting to believe that no man straight man has ever been into me…….

Worst:

He’s just not that into me.  Or I’m an amazing-awesome-wife-material-catch that no man straight man can bear to be with because he’s just not ready for a relationship.

And I hate that if/when things dissolve with the interest, I’m gonna be a wreck of a nutcase because I can constantly observe him coming and going and being and living ACROSS THE FUCKING STREET.

Oh, and I have no idea how to address things with the sisterfriend with whom I’m at odds….. I don’t really know, and I’m too busy to care, and that makes me feel guilty.  I really have no interest in visiting OK for a long while, and that makes me feel guilty.

Lot’s a shit going on in this brain……………………………….

There’s a million ways that this whole thing (called life) could work out……………..

Whit